Doing Better means starting NOW!

Do Better, Be Better Blog... March 27, 2009

I’m a happily married attorney with a loving husband and two adorable toddler-aged sons. My girlfriend complains about the state of my house – she thinks it’s too messy - but I am really content. I don’t see what she sees. What should I do? – Sloppy But Satisfied

Dear Sloppy But Satisfied:

Friends always have opinions but at the end of the day it is your life to live. Your biggest concerns shouldn’t be your friend’s perspective but whether you can function and whether your husband and young children are content and able to thrive in your home’s current state. If the answers to all of theses questions are yes, then tell your friend thanks, but no thanks, for his/her commentary. But if the answer is no, you should really take a look at how you can keep a more organized and aesthetically pleasing home. Since your schedule is definitely a hectic one you can start by making a cleaning schedule for larger duties, such as cleaning the bathroom or doing the laundry. Another great way to keep things tidy is to set aside 15 minutes at the end of the night after the kids are put to bed to make sure everything is put away. Ultimately, only you can determine what system works best for you.

---Tia

Several of my family members live with me rent-free and contribute very little to the household finances. However, they are always making comments about the way I parent and run my house. I am very stressed and often feel upset when I’m home. What should I do? – Crowded and Confused

Dear Crowded and Confused:

Seems like you have two issues on your hand. First, the fact that you brought up that your long-term houseguests contribute minimally to your bottom line seems like a sore spot for you. You should look at your budget and determine what type of financial help you deem to be fair and adequate then set up a time to discuss the new contribution amount. Secondly, your houseguests’ financial contributions and catty commentary are not interwoven. Even if they pay all of your bills you shouldn’t be subjected to verbal abuse. Do a bit of introspection to determine whether there critiques have any underlying merit, for example you may yell a lot because you’re frustrated. Make a commitment to yourself to evaluate how you’d like to improve as a parent and take real strides – such as counseling – to be the best person you can be. Lastly, talk to your guests about their negative energy and let them know that you find their curt comments to be hurtful and if they have any serious grievances to let you know in a constructive manner, i.e.…having a private conversation or giving you a brief note about things that they find alarming. At the end of the day you are responsible for your happiness. You have the right to decide who lives in your home and how they must conduct themselves. Set the rules.

---Tia

This week Tia tackles how to deal when your man earns less than you and more...

Do Better, Be Better Blog... March 20, 2009

As the main breadwinner for the household, how do you make your man feel like he’s king of the house? –Cheaper to Keep Him

Dear Cheaper to Keep Him:

Just being conscious of the situation makes you less likely to obnoxious about the salary gap. Many professional women can’t separate the successful and independent persona they use to get ahead in the workforce with the role of the doting and at times docile – yes I said it – approach you have to take when dealing with your partner. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting we hand over our checkbooks after toiling for years to establish ourselves professionally. BUT we need to look at men the way we size up clients or bosses: You take the approach you need to get the result you want. If professional women want to be treated like queens they have to treat their men like a kings. There’s no one sure-fire way to guarantee that your man feels like the “king of his castle” because every man is different. You have to figure out what works for him. Maybe it’s cooking him dinner a few nights a week or allowing him to pay for certain things. I suggest that you have a candid conversation about money and his thoughts about the issue. Be conscious about not throwing money up in his face, but do not feed into any insecurity or try to over compensate for your position of perceived power. At the end of the day what you earn doesn’t make you – or him – the man. Actions do. If he’s a good, honest and responsible man – the only kind we should select to marry – have the faith to allow him to lead.

---Tia

I really wanted to have my wedding at the end of this year, however five of my friends are with child and are expecting around that time frame. What should I do? – Five Preggers and One Bride

Dear Five Preggers and One Bride:

You’re giving a whole new meaning to the term big wedding party. While it is easy to say that your special day is all about you, honestly, who will you celebrate with if all of your best gal pals are knocked up or nursing newborns at home? Assess where your girlfriends are in their pregnancies and then come up with a time period that will allow your closest pals to participate. In addition, since they will all be adjusting to mommydom – and post baby bodies – you should arrange a serious meeting to discuss all of your expectations for your festivities and to select flattering bridesmaids gowns (no need for sloppy pictures either!). During your chat make sure to let everyone know that communication is important because you want to avoid any drama if someone is unable to fulfill her responsibility due to a hectic schedule.

---Tia