Friday, May 29, 2009

This week Tia speaks to how your attitude can determine a situation’s outcome.

Do Better, Be Better Blog... May 29, 2009

What can I do to bring a more positive, professional and honest atmosphere to my place of employment? – Positive in Largo

Dear Positive in Largo,

Since the professional climate in your office is set by management this is a great opportunity to show your leadership skills to the big boss. Do a bit of research and create a proposal on the types of workshops you think your department may benefit from. Another option is suggesting that you attend a few leadership seminars and come back to host training sessions with your co-workers. If the issue isn’t related to the company policy but due to a informal interactions, I suggest leading by example. A great way to diffuse gossip and negative conversations is by changing the topic or direction of chats when inappropriate issues are discussed. Focus on the positive - but always make sure to know the water cooler conversation, you’ll never know when it will come in handy.

---Tia

Friday, May 22, 2009

This week Tia gives tips on how to cope with splitting with a bad ex who you’re still in love with...

Do Better, Be Better Blog... May 22, 2009

Dear Tia,

I broke up with my husband and I can’t get over it. And I don’t know why? We were together for more than five years. During that time he repeatedly cheated on me – I’d even catch him with women he’d met on MySpace! He’d leave and would twist it around to make it seem like it was my fault and I’d end up begging him to come back. We lost our 2-year-old son in April 2008 and while that was devastating I don’t think that’s the reason for our split. I’m stuck on nothing and I can’t move on. We recently had a daughter and he didn’t even show up to court to make sure he’d have his paternal rights. After all of that, seven months after the break-up I took him back. He seemed fine at first, taking our daughter and I out, then it all stopped. I texted him one day and he said “Lets just be friends our baby. Pls stop talking about ‘us’ there is no ‘us’”. It hurt so bad, why did he get my hopes all up and leave again for another woman. I’m depressed and lonely. I think any man will leave me or cheat on me. I can’t even try moving on. – Longing for Love

Dear Longing for Love –

You were in a relationship that lacked reciprocity in every aspect that actually defines true love: appreciation, fidelity and most of all, respect. Lets face the fact that your ex-husband isn’t the one for you. It’s sad. It’s hurtful. It’s time to get over it. How do you start? Love yourself. It may sound weird but start by using the same discipline you use to set standards for your daughter, apply it in your own life. If it’s not good enough for the princess, the queen definitely isn’t having it, right? Would you want her playing with kids who took her toys and bullied her her? Would you leave her with a sitter who let her sit in a soiled diaper all day? Would you want her to date a boy who spat in her face? The answer to all of these questions is no, but you’ve subjected yourself to a man who repeatedly does far worse to you. He disrespects you. He and abandons you…his children. He’s unfaithful. Your season with your ex has passed – embrace it and the lessons you’ve learned. Explore your thoughts on standards in a relationship, how much to give, what you did wrong or right and how to love yourself. Every time you have a thought about how much you miss him, think about all the times he made you beg him to come back – after he cheated on you - or how much of a hassle it was to get him to be accountable financially for his own daughter or how he only wants to be with you when nothing else is going on – or his computer is down. Better yet, how his put your life and health in danger by being unfaithful. I also suggest that you iron out visitation and support details in way that limits your contact with him. If he is inconsistent in any way take him to court so you don’t have to haggle him for money or time. This will limit your emotional involvement and his ability to manipulate your feelings for his personal gain. No love is worth humiliation and heartache. After a lot of tears and nose blowing it is time to celebrate. Be happy that he didn’t know what he had so he threw you away. One man’s trash is another’s treasure. But you have to be sure to treasure yourself first. Lastly, I must add that this issue is likely compounded by the loss of your son. I strongly urge you to seek grief counseling.

---Tia

Friday, May 1, 2009

This week Tia answers a question about communicating with a lover over email and when is it too soon to give it up...

Do Better, Be Better Blog... May 1, 2009

Dear Tia, I met a guy a few weeks before I broke up with my boyfriend and we became fast friends. We talked but never went out until after I ended things with my now ex. He’s 10 years older than I am and an investment banker, so he’s very busy. Eventually we went on a date and ended the night together. Shortly afterwards he started saying he was too busy to spend a lot of time together. I was angry and I sent him a long email telling him why. That didn’t go over well. We’ve spoken since and I’ve apologized but it isn’t the same. He doesn’t really call me – but he’ll chat if I call him – and we aren’t going out. I like him and would like to date, but I can tell my email really upset him. What should I do? – Evil Emailer

Dear Evil Emailer,

You said you met him a few weeks before kicking your ex to the curb, so really think about whether you’re ready to date or need some time alone – which a lot of people loathe – to heal and improve before starting a new chapter in your life. I'm sure you've kicked yourself in the butt already, however, in case you haven't let me remind you that angry emails only work against you. First, they come across as immature rants. Second, because you're not there to explain what you're saying, everything is up to interpretation, which means things usually come off more harshly than intended and your impassioned soliloquy doesn't relay the underlying hurt. Communication is irreversible and so is becoming intimate too soon. You want to try to hold out until you know that he cares about you and you’ll be more than “Girl 67.” This rarely happens after a first date.

Now, what should you do? I suggest putting the ball in his court. First apologize one last time for the immature email and let him know that you've realized the importance of conversing in person and that you’d like to move on. Let him know if he's interested in dating you too the ball is in his court. Here's the hard part...YOU CAN'T call him or email him first. If he's interested in you let him pursue you. Sure he'll talk and bang you if you call and he's bored but you want a man who wants to create a relationship, not one who'll let you occupy free time, but who'll make time. You also don't want someone who hasn't truly forgiven you.

If he shows interest then reciprocate but let him be the lead. Avoid meeting or ending the night at your place for a while, so sex isn’t a factor.

Lastly, be wary of the age difference. While 10 years may not seem like a lot to you, it can speak volumes to where he is maturity wise. Banging and bouncing may be his style and your email could simply be his out.

---Tia