tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-79606717130321923202024-03-04T22:19:38.186-08:00Do Better, Be BetterWelcome to the advice and commentary column of Lifestyle/Life Skill Expert S. Tia Brown.Do Better, Be Better by S. Tia Brownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05334804670693222012noreply@blogger.comBlogger29125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7960671713032192320.post-63146376100466532142011-03-08T14:07:00.000-08:002011-03-08T15:25:00.668-08:00Keeping a Promotion SecretDear Tia,<br /><br />I recently received a promotion at my job and a major raise in pay. I'm very happy with my new responsibilities and title. There's only one setback — I don't want to tell my girlfriend. I love her a lot but she's not the best with money, so I find myself frequently bailing her out of bad financial situations. I'm afraid that she'll think my pay increase gives her a free to pass to spend even more frivolously. The problem is that we have mutual friends who may blow my secret and I know that she'll be very upset and hurt if I don't tell her. What should I do? — Money Matters<br /><br />Dear Money Matters,<br /><br />Your problem is bigger than snitches. Let me throw a few words at you: trust, honesty, boundaries. How would you feel if you found out that your significant other lied to you about her job? Betrayed is the first word that comes to mind. I have a few tips. FIrst, you may want to take some time to evaluate why you feel obligated to fill in the monetary void caused by your partner's wayward spending — and is that decision working for you? Secondly, I suggest that you think about what you need from your girlfriend and what you feel comfortable giving her. Lastly, it's time to discuss the strain personal financial decisions are placing on the relationship. You may want to bring up the promotion during this conversation or afterwards, but basic disclosure is a major component of any healthy, happy relationship.Do Better, Be Better by S. Tia Brownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05334804670693222012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7960671713032192320.post-52682722306676696942011-02-16T18:21:00.000-08:002011-02-16T19:05:05.764-08:00Should Soul Mates Marry Quickly?Dear Tia,<br /><br />I recently met a man who I believe is my soul mate. We clicked instantly. After only dating for a few weeks we've met each other's families and have become inseparable. We've already made plans for our happily ever after. Now don't get me wrong, I am not naive enough to think things will be perfect, but I do feel confident that we have what it takes to make it work. So what's the problem? Some people in my life are saying things are moving to fast. I don't plan to get married tomorrow, but I can't guarantee it won't happen next week. Am I crazy? - Ready for a Quicky<br /><br />Dear Ready,<br /><br />Congrats on finding the love of your life. Should you be excited? Yes. Should you follow your heart? Yep. Should you use your head? Definitely. Don't let naysayers lead you into making a decision you'll regret. If you love this man make plans to marry him — notice how I said "plan"? Be strategic about how you enter into the union. Undergo pre-marital counseling to ensure you see eye-to-eye on key issues, such as money matters, sex and family values. Additionally, you may want to consider swapping credit reports with your partner. This will allow you to get great insight into the lifestyle you'll lead as a unit. Love is grand. Marriage is beautiful. Enjoy it. But just like sex, you reduce your vulnerability to risk when you protect yourself.Do Better, Be Better by S. Tia Brownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05334804670693222012noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7960671713032192320.post-42437974543006906892011-02-08T18:24:00.000-08:002011-02-08T19:11:59.711-08:00Should I Propose if I Hate My Girlfriend's Family?Dear Tia,<br /><br />My girlfriend and I reside in the same building — we met while we were both living there. My friends swore this arrangement would be a recipe for disaster but it actually works pretty well. We get to see each other frequently. We also get to see the other's habits. I know I want to marry this woman. There's only one reason I haven't proposed: Her family. The are very "hood". Her siblings are in their late twenties and still act like kids. Additionally, her parents make bad financial decisions and lean on my lady way too much. They are constantly at her place and have even had to reside with her on more than one occasion. She feels committed to helping her family regardless of their poor choices. I don't know if I can sign up for that. What I do? — Ice Cold Feet<br /><br />Dear Ice Cold,<br /><br />Your fiance-to-be definitely has a close bond with her family. I suggest that you view her loyalty and devotion as a strength. Still, I commend your ability to see how her enmeshed familial ties may become problematic as you look ahead. First, you need to talk to your girlfriend. You don't have to blatantly tell her your intentions — though I'm sure she'll be able to figure out what you're fishing for. Make sure to ask her about what she perceives her role to be has a wife and how she sees that impacting her current family dynamic. Let her know what boundaries you consider to be important as a couple and see whether you are on the same accord. Love has two components, feeling and function. You need both to make the relationship work.Do Better, Be Better by S. Tia Brownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05334804670693222012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7960671713032192320.post-3692318985689516392011-01-31T07:17:00.000-08:002011-01-31T09:20:50.904-08:00Unwanted Travel CompanionsDear Tia,<br /><br />I have a big problem.<br /><br />My girlfriend and I love to go on group trips with our pals. Unfortunately, two of our close friends, Jerry* and Tammy*, recently broke up — and both of them decided to attend our last trip. It was horrible. Even though Tammy ended the relationship she's very bitter about the split. She's miserable and loves company. She pouted. She started fights with Jerry. She was generally petty and unpleasant. She even tried to ruin a few of our planned activities. Now Jerry, who did not want her to attend, is our childhood friend, and though our crew has been friendly with Tammy during their three-year relationship, we never really liked her. She's toxic. Needless to say we're happy to see her go. So here's the problem: Tammy has invited herself on our next trip. No one wants her to go. I believe her plan to sabotage Jerry's ability to participate. My friends, specifically the women, are having a hard time telling Tammy she isn't welcome. I refuse to let her pettiness spoil another trip. What should I do? — Dealing with The Break-Up<br /><br /><br />Dear Dealing,<br /><br />One word: awkward. It's hard to pick teams after a break-up. Seems like Tammy may be more than vindictive; she may also be remorseful about splitting with her man and losing access to "their" friends. I suggest you meet with the other trip participants and have a candid chat about who wants Tammy to remain in the circle and who doesn't. I suspect that some people may be fonder of her than you think — how else would she have found out about the trip? Once a consensus is taken you'll have the opportunity to decide whether her presence is a deal breaker for you. Additionally, you can suggest that those who want to include her plan their own events since it will obviously be awkward for Jerry to socialize with his ex. At the end of the day Tammy cannot force you, or anyone, to hang out with her. If she doesn't get the hint state the obvious: She is not welcome.<br /><br />* — name changedDo Better, Be Better by S. Tia Brownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05334804670693222012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7960671713032192320.post-74526018892879445892011-01-23T19:05:00.000-08:002011-01-24T06:50:27.649-08:00My Fiance Makes Big Plans — With My Money!Dear Tia,<br /><br />I absolutely love my fiance. Steve's a great man; we have a fabulous connection and support each other whole heartedly. I'm an attorney and earn a comfortable living. My fiance has a master's degree in business. When we met we both had relatively secure corporate jobs, and that contributed to why I thought we'd make a good team on all levels (spiritually, emotionally and financially). Unfortunately, we are not on the same page when it comes to budgeting. As our relationship progressed Steve told me that he's an entrepreneur at hearts and wanted a mate who supported that goal. I shared that I was happy to be cast in the role of "doting significant other", as long as he remained focused on contributing to the household — it didn't matter who was the top earner. I also disclosed that saving and living within our means was important to me. Since we effectively communicated I thought all was well; I was wrong. <br /><br />I'll be frank: Steve's business is in the slow lane, but our relationship is not. We plan to get married within a year or so (I'm still waiting for the ring), and we're currently looking for our first home together. Steve wants to price a home based on what he "believes" our income will be once his business takes off. Since I'm the primary breadwinner my salary will pay the lion's share of the mortgage. I want to select a home based on one income, so we can save, travel and avoid foreclosure. Steve says my practical approach means I don't have faith that his business will eventually succeed. I do. However, I think it's better to play it safe and upgrade later. I want Steve to lead, but I can't let any man send me to the poor house. What should I do? — Not Going for Broke<br /><br /><br />Dear Not Going for Broke,<br /><br />Love is grand — but rule no. 1 is no romance without finance. I definitely think you should support Steve if you plan to build a future together. Still, I wonder why you guys are looking to buy a house before you're married, have a ring or even have a wedding date set. There is something to be said for doing things in order. If you want Steve to lead, start by waiting for him to propose with a ring. Then you can both sit down to set a date, plan the wedding, and then go for the house. While Steve may have the best intentions, it's easy for someone to get so caught up in their dreams that they can't accept reality — especially if they have a benefactor. I wonder whether Steve's hesitancy to buy a ring is because he's already married... to his business. While women often multitask (kids, business, marriage, etc...). men tend to get their careers settled first then move to family. <br /><br />It's not wise to buy a house you can't afford — and due to the financial climate you probably won't be able to. That said, Steve needs to feel supported and you need to feel secure. Once you're officially engaged try premarital counseling. It's a good forum to share your expectations and learn how to communicate your needs effectively.Do Better, Be Better by S. Tia Brownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05334804670693222012noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7960671713032192320.post-79234229954653245792010-12-24T16:18:00.000-08:002010-12-24T17:34:56.768-08:00Dealing with Busy FriendsDear Tia,<br /><br />I have a very, very close friend who started a company and did not tell me. Does that mean I am not as close to her as I once thought? - Too Far For Comfort<br /><br />Dear Too Far For Comfort,<br /><br />If you're wondering why your friend didn't share this bit of information I suggest that you go straight to the source. Don't be confrontational when you approach your pal. Instead, offer your congratulations and let her know how proud you are of her accomplishment. Then, as the conversation progresses, share your thoughts about not being informed about the venture and ask whether there was any specific issue that made her decide to exclude you from the project. Be prepared for what the person has to say. It may simply be that she wanted privacy while formulating and executing her plan. However, it may be more complicated. I suggest you be open to whatever your friend has to say and remember that the new business endeavor isn't about you — it is all about your friend's success. Additionally, your pal may not rely on you when it comes to business, but you may be a great confidante when it comes to relationships. Trust that you add value to your buddy's life. Be supportive. Be patient. Be a good pal.Do Better, Be Better by S. Tia Brownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05334804670693222012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7960671713032192320.post-29345700061614081652010-12-05T18:41:00.000-08:002010-12-19T16:23:07.042-08:00I'm Jealous of My Boyfriend's DaughterDear Tia,<br />My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly five years however about two years we broke up and thought we'd never reconcile. He ended up dating another woman shortly thereafter and she became pregnant. She loved out of state and to entice her to move to Michigan, he proposed. Upon my hearing of all this I nearly went mad...not six months after our breakup and he has a child on the way and is engaged. This man had been the love of my life and to he I had lost my virginity and had loved against all odds. Yes I had ended the relationship but it was because he refused to seek psychological help and was dragging he into a black depression with him...I didnt know what to do.<br />We are back together and we have vowed that he will be a father to his child and that the past is the past. But I am struggling to keep that promise. I feel discomfort and even a hint of jealously. His upcoming trip to visit them out of state makes my stomach turn in knots. Will he regret his decision to be with me over his daughter and ex-fiance? — Ex-Factor<br /><br /><br />Dear Ex-Factor,<br /> <br />You’ve skipped a huge portion of this story: Why did you get back together? That will likely determine your future stress levels. For example, if you decided to reconcile because your ex finally got the counseling he needed to be a healthy mate then it is likely he has some of the tools needed to be a good partner. Moreover, it also means he chose you after evaluating his wants and needs from a sound place. However, if you decided to revisit your relationship to prevent him from moving on, or because he was running away from being in a long-term relationship with a woman he just met, you have a great reason to be concerned.<br /> <br />The truth is he will have a connection with this woman that you don't have; she is the mother of his child. Accept it. If your ex wasn’t a cheater then there really isn’t a reason to assume that he will now — he can practice self-control. Still, there are factors to consider that will make things more challenging, such as where he'll sleep when he’s visiting his child. Another concern is whether his ex-fiancé would like to reconcile with him. I have three suggestions. First, have a discussion with your mate before the trip to discuss your expectations (i.e. where he'll stay, checking in with you during his stay, the length of his visit, etc...). A word of caution: don't impose on the visit by calling incessantly — it will backfire and push him away. Secondly, do not get pregnant to compete with his ex. Having a child will only complicate matters emotionally and financially. Love yourself and unborn child enough to wait until you have a drama-less environment where you all can thrive second. But that’s not all.<br /> <br />Next, I encourage you to explore why you rekindled with your ex. Is it purely because you don’t want another woman to have him? Was it out of loneliness or your own depression? Have you addressed your issues and come up with changes that you both can make to improve your relationship? Think about it all.<br /> <br />It is natural to be jealous in such an intertwined situation. As a woman you have a choice. You can decide to stay with this man or leave. If you stay you must seek help to deal with the feelings you have around his child and new situation. Additionally, you should not sabotage his relationship with his child. He can have both: you as a girlfriend and be a great dad.<br /> <br />You can’t determine or control his regrets, only yours. I suggest you focus on the latter.Do Better, Be Better by S. Tia Brownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05334804670693222012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7960671713032192320.post-77795145787428780082010-08-31T19:05:00.000-07:002010-08-31T19:21:54.207-07:00Should I leave?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilR5MTlPZW8JpoFayCGune6Cl806QAJcobyXdSBVMrLoCAJsBZ8AQJAtnbqd6cp9oaxOBOEt_5qIxaf2qlV3v6Nq2rXskTTXivCMZXC9bUSDufoVlr58P1is0-j9tYORP_sq7qMgtKvkY/s1600/images-2.jpeg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 223px; height: 226px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilR5MTlPZW8JpoFayCGune6Cl806QAJcobyXdSBVMrLoCAJsBZ8AQJAtnbqd6cp9oaxOBOEt_5qIxaf2qlV3v6Nq2rXskTTXivCMZXC9bUSDufoVlr58P1is0-j9tYORP_sq7qMgtKvkY/s400/images-2.jpeg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5511761470834735074" /></a><br />Dear Tia,<br /><br />I love my girlfriend. I love her a lot. She is the first person I've been with in a long time who makes my genuinely happy. We get along most of the of the time and only have one major problem: her family. My lady is used to giving everything to her family. All of her time. All of her money. All of her love. The thing is they don't reciprocate the sentiments or actions. She can't depend on them to make her needs and feelings a priority, so she often ends up feeling hurt. It is so hard for me to stand by twiddling my thumbs as her relatives break her heart. In addition, I have to be honest, some times she places their wants ahead of our relationship needs and it really upsets. I don't know what to do. Should I intervene? Should I walk away? - On the Bench<br /><br />Dear On the Bench,<br /><br />I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to watch someone you love continuously get hurt, but that's all you can really do. It is not your job or in your best interest to redefine the relationships and expectations she's set with her relatives: that is up to her. The only thing you can do is express your feelings about what you observe — to her— and let her know what your expectations are for your relationship and needs. Fight the temptation to intercede on her behalf because you don't want to place her in a situation where she has to choose between you and her family. Allow your girlfriend the space to find her own voice and strength. In the end, everyone will be happier.Do Better, Be Better by S. Tia Brownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05334804670693222012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7960671713032192320.post-33651469007766937792010-07-07T18:45:00.000-07:002010-07-07T18:46:00.778-07:00When He Makes LessThis week Tia tackles how to deal when your man earns less than you and more.<br /><br />As the main breadwinner for the household, how do you make your man feel like he’s king of the house? –Cheaper to Keep Him<br /><br />Dear Cheaper to Keep Him:<br /><br />Just being conscious of the situation makes you less likely to obnoxious about the salary gap. Many professional women can’t separate the successful and independent persona they use to get ahead in the workforce with the role of the doting and at times docile – yes I said it – approach you have to take when dealing with your partner. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting we hand over our checkbooks after toiling for years to establish ourselves professionally. BUT we need to look at men the way we size up clients or bosses: You take the approach you need to get the result you want. If professional women want to be treated like queens they have to treat their men like a kings. There’s no one sure-fire way to guarantee that your man feels like the “king of his castle” because every man is different. You have to figure out what works for him. Maybe it’s cooking him dinner a few nights a week or allowing him to pay for certain things. I suggest that you have a candid conversation about money and his thoughts about the issue. Be conscious about not throwing money up in his face, but do not feed into any insecurity or try to over compensate for your position of perceived power. At the end of the day what you earn doesn’t make you – or him – the man. Actions do. If he’s a good, honest and responsible man – the only kind we should select to marry – have the faith to allow him to lead.Do Better, Be Better by S. Tia Brownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05334804670693222012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7960671713032192320.post-56520154947393171072010-02-16T19:19:00.000-08:002010-02-17T06:39:48.976-08:00No Money, Lots of Drama<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEP_EgXPJBXgpC6sUVMaMkO01MFWkL6rW5h0mPn-0p9b5Bg9bmKIznMeQprDHmSsZzP7Sbt3U-KqcIyOiZH0ytQrfdw9ibJFDy2xsoWPIsFn8f3DxH_kA8h31ukFsNBOxuWgflmMT7JlM/s1600-h/6ce9437e-5eec-6c4b-eb25-7bff9e735749-life_package_atripla_ab_couple.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 190px; height: 190px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEP_EgXPJBXgpC6sUVMaMkO01MFWkL6rW5h0mPn-0p9b5Bg9bmKIznMeQprDHmSsZzP7Sbt3U-KqcIyOiZH0ytQrfdw9ibJFDy2xsoWPIsFn8f3DxH_kA8h31ukFsNBOxuWgflmMT7JlM/s400/6ce9437e-5eec-6c4b-eb25-7bff9e735749-life_package_atripla_ab_couple.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5439047487645475986" /></a><br /><br />Dear Tia,<br /><br />I've been with my boyfriend for three years. I really love him. We connect on emotional, intellectual and physical levels. There's only one problem: finances. Timothy has a college education and a strong entrepreneurial spirit. Unfortunately, it's taking him longer than expected to get his business off the ground. I believe in him and know that eventually whatever he does will be successful, but his devotion to developing this business — and his dream of pursuing entrepreneurial ventures in general — has forced us to place everything on hold, specifically getting married. Timothy invests all of his money into his business and since it's not profitable he's constantly losing money. In addition, the stress is definitely taking a toll on his demeanor; for example he's less attentive, a bit more irritable and not investing a lot of time in cultivating our relationship. He told me he's ready to get a full-time job to help him meet his financial needs until his business is off the ground. I want to marry this man and he wants to marry me, but I am concerned. Any tips? - Three Years and Counting<br /><br />Dear Three Years and Counting,<br /><br />I commend your patience and support of your boyfriend as he follows his dream. I think that you've already gotten to the crux of the issue. Women and men tend to function in different ways when it comes to multitasking life's goals; in short, men tend to be more linear. Since men typically pride themselves on being able to provide, his initial focus will be his career, in this case his business. I think you recognize that Timothy is stressed. It's hard for start-ups and the economy can bring additional challenges. I suggest that you really take some time to think about how devoted you are to this relationship. If you want to take it to the alter I suggest finding time to talk to your boyfriend about your goals as individuals and as a couple. If you're both on track for marriage you should discuss your emotional and financial expectations as a couple. When do you want to tie the knot? What are his expectations of you as his wife in relation to his business goals and needs? What do you expect of him as a husband in terms of managing his two loves: you and his career? Communication is key.Do Better, Be Better by S. Tia Brownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05334804670693222012noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7960671713032192320.post-86999274897422235242010-02-07T11:18:00.000-08:002010-02-07T11:43:38.327-08:00How to deal with a not-so-nice guy<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKUGQgIdE05aEe4kdO-4tMzC5CzWO85mIpsCXitZwU22xtkc55YqNnVGMQdYKeyCHr76ek-mGv9zyWZZwEbFECf_cx3o048C1QNkk12T_hTLbFiGhCV3pfBczMP5nia9asdExZ00TF7xM/s1600-h/j0430627.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 267px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKUGQgIdE05aEe4kdO-4tMzC5CzWO85mIpsCXitZwU22xtkc55YqNnVGMQdYKeyCHr76ek-mGv9zyWZZwEbFECf_cx3o048C1QNkk12T_hTLbFiGhCV3pfBczMP5nia9asdExZ00TF7xM/s400/j0430627.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5435588047052102914" /></a><br />This week Tia gives advice to a teen dealing with boyfriend drama.<br /><br />Dear Tia,<br /><br />My boyfriend is acting mean to all of my friends. – 15 and dating<br /><br />Dear 15 and Dating,<br /><br />Talk it out. Communication is the hardest part of all relationships - especially when you're dating someone. Many people have a hard time telling the individuals they care about most how they feel because they fear losing them. My advice is simply to let him know that he's important to you, but so are your friendships. If he values you he has to respect the people around you. If he chooses otherwise then that's a warning sign of things to come. If he's disrespectful to people who he deems as "unworthy" what happens when he gets mad at you? Will he be rude? Will he stop speaking to you?<br /><br />Sadly, friends and boyfriends, or girlfriends, don't always get along. That said, no one has the right to be condescending or disrespectful to anyone. Stand up for your friends and yourself. If they can't all get along keep them apart, but don't let his ill-temperament keep you from maintaining the other important relationships in your life. Do think about what his attitude says about him as a person.Do Better, Be Better by S. Tia Brownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05334804670693222012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7960671713032192320.post-27908848788583391782009-12-03T17:47:00.000-08:002009-12-03T17:58:18.760-08:00Should a Married Woman be Jealous of her Boyfriend's Fiance?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhO0Ja_8T_Fd6jKu_UcUTss-2XqN_nOodDeQ6xDJDQyFugxSQuW44DnbNGGikDUWqseS6i9ewMiyfOQY6nfvp-UX73kaJFbC6UhVw7uwTB0uekiTDYv2B-LoW6rTkG0WCEDgI-jKT4xEYU/s1600-h/alg_angry_couple.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 260px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhO0Ja_8T_Fd6jKu_UcUTss-2XqN_nOodDeQ6xDJDQyFugxSQuW44DnbNGGikDUWqseS6i9ewMiyfOQY6nfvp-UX73kaJFbC6UhVw7uwTB0uekiTDYv2B-LoW6rTkG0WCEDgI-jKT4xEYU/s400/alg_angry_couple.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5411194159563729186" /></a><br />Dear Tia,<br /><br />I am married and I have an affair going on with my old school flame. Things worked out well between us. But now he is getting married and he keeps telling me that he's doing it for his parents and the girl isn't the kind he wants. I'm jealous and can’t handle my feelings. Should I still remain in touch with him post marriage or move on? – Still in Love<br /><br />Dear Still in Love,<br /><br />I’m confused about how things have worked out well between you and your sidepiece – you’re married and he’s engaged. That aside, it’s time for you to leave the man alone. You seem very concerned about whether or not he wants to get married, but that’s not really an issue. He’s a grown man and can make his own choices and the same goes for you. By deciding to enter into a relationship with someone you can’t fully commit to you’ve relinquished your right to be jealous. You have a husband – but you don’t have to be there. If you don't want to be with your spouse you can leave. Your old flame’s soon-to-be wife should be respected. If you really want to be with this man split up with your husband and make a play for the one who has your heart. If not, you can’t have your husband and hers, so leave him - and his family - alone.Do Better, Be Better by S. Tia Brownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05334804670693222012noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7960671713032192320.post-25542426770522508132009-11-22T17:35:00.000-08:002009-11-22T17:39:12.050-08:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJzujURHvIbb2xLu0pFlbrhB0_Nj1pY_tO0vHLd9mrExpzrrJI7I3OiWbs2ivTfLPrzJnIAwpbf2nbuSTk6PSRXiXFAY2vPhp20ZjUpEM4INzgR7zNl4j-IXPq850vu54mVCJqpDXgCDU/s1600/bill-money_300.jpg" style="text-decoration: none;"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 357px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJzujURHvIbb2xLu0pFlbrhB0_Nj1pY_tO0vHLd9mrExpzrrJI7I3OiWbs2ivTfLPrzJnIAwpbf2nbuSTk6PSRXiXFAY2vPhp20ZjUpEM4INzgR7zNl4j-IXPq850vu54mVCJqpDXgCDU/s400/bill-money_300.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5407107084950668450" /></a><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">This week Tia tackles the hard question of whether women should open up their pocketbooks on dates.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Dear Tia,</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">I’m in my early 30’s and I’m single, but dating. My problem is simple: I have a hard time letting men pay when they take me out. It’s not that I’m dating guys who aren’t professionals or can’t afford to cover the bill. I just feel like I’m at a disadvantage when the gentlemen foots the expense; I don’t want anyone who I’m out with thinking that I owe him something. My girlfriends say I’m tripping. Am I? – Willing to Pay My Way</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Dear Pay My Way,</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">I think you’re both right. In a traditional sense, it’s definitely appropriate to let a man court you. If he asks to take you on a date it is normal to expect him to pay for whatever type of entertainment you undertake that night. However, I also understand your perspective as well. In modern times traditional gender roles aren’t always applicable (especially given the economy), so if you’re uncomfortable about who should pay ask your date – beforehand. During the pre-date conversations get his perspective on what his expectations are and share yours. In addition, I don’t think you should consider going out with anyone who you think would expect “physical compensation” after bankrolling a movie or dinner. Lastly, it’s important to consider a few things before you pull out your cash, especially on the first few dates. Do you always want to go Dutch or pay his way? Do you want to convey the message that you don’t think he can afford to finance your dates? Are you comfortable with the financial dynamic you’re establishing if the relationship moves forward? If the answer to each of these questions is no, keep your hands out of your wallet until you get to know your potential beau a bit better.</span></p> <!--EndFragment-->Do Better, Be Better by S. Tia Brownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05334804670693222012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7960671713032192320.post-41710717527550025022009-11-16T16:57:00.000-08:002009-11-16T18:06:44.993-08:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYuIRNgdGH-9LGlZKwC2egCh06D6082xcjgHdeQQ3ETryq9gYoXvSDGWojOkufZER25ccEy_CovjE9G9c9_hfDqUeUYt2WPloeTSQDadOdsV17eI2h8SWHGHB1Erg2qma9_GtBxKqZ6j8/s1600/images.jpeg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 116px; height: 86px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYuIRNgdGH-9LGlZKwC2egCh06D6082xcjgHdeQQ3ETryq9gYoXvSDGWojOkufZER25ccEy_CovjE9G9c9_hfDqUeUYt2WPloeTSQDadOdsV17eI2h8SWHGHB1Erg2qma9_GtBxKqZ6j8/s400/images.jpeg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5404888010177780274" /></a><br /><!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:ArialMT;color:#333333;">Dear Tia,</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:ArialMT;color:#333333;">I’ve been dating this guy that I’ve known for almost 18 months. I’m 19 and he’s 21. We have a lot in common; our birthdays are even one day apart. But he has a lot of drama. After we hung out for a while he told me that he had a baby on the way. Despite that, he called and texted me all the time and that didn’t change even after we became intimate. He told me things - like he wanted us to take a trip together for our birthdays - that made me feel like he planned on being serious. He even called me once while his child’s mother was there and said that he wasn’t dealing with her anymore. I mean, who would say that in front of someone else? One night I told him how I felt about him via text and immediately things started to change. He said if he knew I was going to “catch feelings” he wouldn’t have started messing with me - I spent two hours on my sister’s bathroom floor crying my eyes out. We stopped seeing each other for a while, but that all changed once my sister intervened. She sent him an instant message saying how happy he made me and that he should stop playing. He said he didn’t know why we stopped speaking. I still love him. Should I approach him or wait? – A Teenage Love</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:ArialMT;color:#333333;">Dear Teenage Love,<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:ArialMT;color:#333333;">I say run, quickly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>And don’t call him. People can say anything but their actions show you how they truly feel. That boy has game. He didn’t put his child’s mother on “blast” to benefit you, it was to hurt her and make sure she knows she can be replaced – and what he did “for you”, he did to you. His callous behavior when you expressed your feelings is comparable to what he did to his child’s mother. We can’t help who we care about, but we can control what we do. I suggest you write out a list of the 10 top values you want your next boyfriend to have (i.e. loyalty, respect, etc…) and put it over your bed so whenever you’re talking to potential beaus you can size them up according to what you need. Don’t let your emotions and ego get in the way of what’s best for your life plan. I’m sure you have goals to achieve, friends to kick it with and other dudes to date – if not, find all of the above immediately. I implore you to heed my advice… or you’ll likely be this guy’s second – or third – baby’s mama. Don’t do it.</span></p> <!--EndFragment-->Do Better, Be Better by S. Tia Brownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05334804670693222012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7960671713032192320.post-10399727665620134872009-11-08T19:31:00.001-08:002009-11-08T19:32:32.500-08:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOO84-M6ZfaUXOllubeP7Xm-FuIxHx9jzcu4tFEa3ju81uByh5xTCN1uxeni2vVDQEpVykLhjh-38DQ85vsWUxy7fgeWdZvvcTIbmPnXk2wIJjHgLRsjQZ62JuFbZ8K7SB_botx2dUvik/s1600-h/56384593.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 299px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOO84-M6ZfaUXOllubeP7Xm-FuIxHx9jzcu4tFEa3ju81uByh5xTCN1uxeni2vVDQEpVykLhjh-38DQ85vsWUxy7fgeWdZvvcTIbmPnXk2wIJjHgLRsjQZ62JuFbZ8K7SB_botx2dUvik/s400/56384593.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5401941560357222578" /></a><br /><!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:ArialMT;color:#333333;">Dear Tia,<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:ArialMT;color:#333333;">I’m 28-years-old. I have been in relationships before but it seems like they never materialize into anything deeper or serious. People just leave my life without any wrong doing from my side. It is either I am too serious, too needy or they found someone else. How do I break this? I want to start my own family soon, but how do I do that when I cannot maintain a relationship. – Ready to Settle Down<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:ArialMT;color:#333333;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:ArialMT;color:#333333;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:ArialMT;color:#333333;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:ArialMT;color:#333333;">Dear Ready,<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:ArialMT;color:#333333;">I completely understand your desire to have a meaningful relationship. It’s natural. It’s healthy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>However, I implore you not to let what you want stand in the way of what you need. It seems like you answered your own question in your letter. By asking whether you’re too serious or too needy, you’re acknowledging that even you are spotting these red flags in your behavior. Simply telling you to stop it isn’t enough, so I suggest you look into why you’re feeling the push to make a committed relationship happen. In the big picture, you have a lot of time to find your Mr. Right – even if it doesn’t seem like it. Have faith that there is someone out there just for you. So the big question is what do you do in the “in between time”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Well, it’s a great time to work on you. What’s leading you to pick the men who perpetuate your insecurity? Why are you choosing to pursue serious relationships with men who aren’t interested in being monogamous? What things do you need to work on to attract the kind of man truly want? Do you like and love yourself? Working on these things won’t guarantee that you’ll find a mate as soon as you’d like, but they will ensure that you’re ready for a good man when you meet him.</span></p> <!--EndFragment-->Do Better, Be Better by S. Tia Brownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05334804670693222012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7960671713032192320.post-8086720829366949412009-10-19T08:46:00.000-07:002009-10-19T08:54:29.146-07:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinmeINQ6j2Lv119pL3gjOUEfmC-8rIfNLR84HUnL0vY-gtWKC1DKh6KQ4M18fx1X9zQk6dPUPMTK2hoaA-zNvrGSa7bsNItg_6i4vCwAS0VlscU15PY2Mr39ImX2SfYYL5JNZfNjr6Fq8/s1600-h/older-couple-2.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 142px; height: 185px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinmeINQ6j2Lv119pL3gjOUEfmC-8rIfNLR84HUnL0vY-gtWKC1DKh6KQ4M18fx1X9zQk6dPUPMTK2hoaA-zNvrGSa7bsNItg_6i4vCwAS0VlscU15PY2Mr39ImX2SfYYL5JNZfNjr6Fq8/s400/older-couple-2.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5394339823797652674" /></a><br /><!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops:4.5pt"><span style="Arial Black";font-family:";font-size:13.0pt;color:#444444;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops:4.5pt"><span style="Arial Black";font-family:";font-size:13.0pt;color:#444444;">Is there anything wrong with a woman never wanting to marry? – 50 and Figuring it Out<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops:4.5pt"><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:13.0pt;color:#444444;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops:4.5pt"><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:13.0pt;color:#444444;">Dear Fig,<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops:4.5pt"><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:13.0pt;color:#444444;">There is something very powerful in choosing your own fate. There should be no judgment attached to your decision to be single or unwed; similarly we <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">shouldn</span>’t be quick to criticize women who openly proclaim they are in search of a life mate and a ring. However, you’re not off the hook. You do have to ask yourself one question, why? If the reason you’<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">ve</span> elected to stay legally single is simply because you don’t desire or believe in the institution of marriage then you should feel confident in your choice. But what if your motivation is something deeper I suggest you seek counseling. For example, if you don’t want to get married because you fear “turning your life over to man” or don’t think there are any “good men” left I implore you to do the hard work of evaluating the root of your issues and finding the help you need. Life is short. Only you can find your true path to bliss. Don’t be afraid to take the walk.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->Do Better, Be Better by S. Tia Brownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05334804670693222012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7960671713032192320.post-7505575408669515062009-10-12T07:32:00.000-07:002009-10-12T07:34:36.929-07:00I Slept With My Cousin's Girl - Now What?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigW03T90CvC2tQiKDcPMkh3wDcgPyWuS3_2-cmgrjNohoHiri6n9GB6ChhZCjP3cUOyIqGHscVxPxvneQt3ViUj0gqynFlr_uhIDyRbOS23VJvl_d4hza48iD04-GCi0jtKeMx76pTKec/s1600-h/cheaters.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigW03T90CvC2tQiKDcPMkh3wDcgPyWuS3_2-cmgrjNohoHiri6n9GB6ChhZCjP3cUOyIqGHscVxPxvneQt3ViUj0gqynFlr_uhIDyRbOS23VJvl_d4hza48iD04-GCi0jtKeMx76pTKec/s320/cheaters.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5391721572706914338" /></a><br /><!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops:4.5pt"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'Arial Black', serif;font-size:180%;color:#444444;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:17px;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops:4.5pt"><span style="Arial Black";font-family:";font-size:13.0pt;color:#444444;">I slept with my cousin’s girlfriend. Should I tell him? – A Family Affair<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops:4.5pt"><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:13.0pt;color:#444444;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops:4.5pt"><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:13.0pt;color:#444444;">Dear Family Affair,<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops:4.5pt"><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:13.0pt;color:#444444;">Trifling. Sneaky. Selfish. Those are the three words that sum up your behavior. Pursuing a sexual relationship with someone who’s involved is wrong, but when the betrayal impacts a family member disaster is even more likely to ensue. While the adage, “honesty is the best policy”, is morally appropriate, understand that this story may not end with a happily ever after. Your cousin has the right to know that his significant other has deceived him. This is not about you, your feelings or your desire to maintain your relationship with your cousin. You forfeited that right with your indiscretion. In the big picture, his ignorance may put him at risk for disease, and, more importantly, robs him of the right to choose. He should know the character of his mate before he commits to a long-term relationship or even raising children with someone who may be habitually unfaithful. Your cousin may be upset, hurt and outraged, but he has the right to know. I suggest you do better and be a better relative in the future. You both deserve more.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->Do Better, Be Better by S. Tia Brownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05334804670693222012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7960671713032192320.post-53585103188740045312009-08-08T10:53:00.000-07:002009-10-05T18:30:24.296-07:00This week Tia tackles the topic of new relationships and old friendships....<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzhJns6SAgVbA1RRhf12madJX50WzKV8hTZAv03kPUJfHiyGznVND1pwTjPtAeZoW-SUnH0zWr4cNTOSSYYX5ssELGrhFjrkL0KbSfVh3PpVjT7wfoUoubJduGcYuthyphenhypheni6Dvd23WXEYjA/s1600-h/ist2_3620638-two-young-happy-smiling-men-flirting-with-woman.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 238px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzhJns6SAgVbA1RRhf12madJX50WzKV8hTZAv03kPUJfHiyGznVND1pwTjPtAeZoW-SUnH0zWr4cNTOSSYYX5ssELGrhFjrkL0KbSfVh3PpVjT7wfoUoubJduGcYuthyphenhypheni6Dvd23WXEYjA/s320/ist2_3620638-two-young-happy-smiling-men-flirting-with-woman.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5389293239455536930" /></a><br /><!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: rgb(68, 68, 68); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';">Do Better, Be Better Blog… August 8, 2009</span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande', serif;color:#444444;"><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="color: rgb(68, 68, 68); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';">Dear Tia,</span></span></span></i></b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="color: rgb(68, 68, 68); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';">Many years back I met a guy and we had an ongoing sexual relationship (we were never boyfriend/girlfriend) but now I consider that guy to be just a good friend. Our relationship has been strictly platonic for a couple of years and it has grown into a very valuable friendship. My current boyfriend has problems with that friendship and has been very vocal about it. Now, my question is...is it inappropriate/disrespectful to remain friends with this guy despite the fact that my boyfriend doesn't like it? Also, how would I sever ties with a good friend that I've had for such a long time without hurting his feelings, and is that even necessary? – Confused in Detroit</span></span></span></i></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: rgb(68, 68, 68); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';">Dear Confused:</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: rgb(68, 68, 68); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';">Most guys believe that platonic friends are using the inside track to get inside your pants. This is a lose/lose situation for you, since your boyfriend is unlikely to stomach having threesomes – I’m referring to dinners – to get to know your male bff. So the real question is this: Are you going to marry this boyfriend? Which means does HE plan on proposing, not just you planning on accepting. If yes, you have to give up your pal. If </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';">you</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"> hide it he’s going to think you’re cheating, which will lead to more drama. I suggest you really think about which relationship adds more value, where you see each relationship going and most importantly, whether there are any clues that your platonic friend is secretly shuffling through your panty drawer when you’re not looking. Your partner may see something that you’re overlooking. If you decide to ditch your male friend don’t sugar coat it. Let him know that you’re seriously pursuing a relationship and you need to put your focus into cultivating the friendship and trust between you and your partner. </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: rgb(68, 68, 68); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';">---Tia</span></span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->Do Better, Be Better by S. Tia Brownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05334804670693222012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7960671713032192320.post-75522160626544747682009-08-01T10:37:00.000-07:002009-09-27T10:47:01.742-07:00S. Tia Brown... The TV Personality and Journalist<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dwEaqJFZ4UH_ZbApgDqKGtAUCrwYw4kAp0aYdTIqGJbadl43G3w6_94K9rA6VkXiLPtZHuZBaqIq8Kn8WOIZw' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe>Do Better, Be Better by S. Tia Brownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05334804670693222012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7960671713032192320.post-84692677301075528382009-07-25T10:47:00.000-07:002009-10-05T18:35:14.723-07:00This week Tia answers a question about supporting your friends...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQop1EXgXzl3Uff3povE5wlJ2AEnW7rCdKC6MwsaujQcqdAcUDWfahk94MQuowfg5poVqP7ueyvqwZZJvvDUdFGv_15_NsOm4HsqFm6DnK6zCaCdQcSpj1HbQSD0av_6RJuke78HjMaWo/s1600-h/bride+with+bridesmaids+on+wedding+day.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQop1EXgXzl3Uff3povE5wlJ2AEnW7rCdKC6MwsaujQcqdAcUDWfahk94MQuowfg5poVqP7ueyvqwZZJvvDUdFGv_15_NsOm4HsqFm6DnK6zCaCdQcSpj1HbQSD0av_6RJuke78HjMaWo/s320/bride+with+bridesmaids+on+wedding+day.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5389294508139276546" /></a><br /><!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: rgb(68, 68, 68); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Do Better, Be Better Blog… July 25, 2009</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande', serif;color:#444444;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="color: rgb(68, 68, 68); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Dear Tia,</span></span></span></i></b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="color: rgb(68, 68, 68); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I recently discovered that I’m pregnant with twins. Shortly after, my best friend got engaged and asked me to be her maid of honor, which I ecstatically accepted. Now she is planning on getting married in November and I am due in September. I’ve had an extremely rough pregnancy and I’m fearful that I will not be able to fulfill my duties because either I'll be pregnant and too sick/tired to plan events or because I will have newborn twins and they'll take priority over every other thing going on in my life. So my question is, is it okay for me to let the rest of the bridesmaids pick up my slack (because being a part of her wedding is very important to me) or should I tell her that I don't think I will be able to handle all of the responsibilities and relinquish the title? Undecided, Sheboygan, WI </span></span></span></i></b><span style="color: rgb(68, 68, 68); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: rgb(68, 68, 68); "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Dear Undecided:</span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: rgb(68, 68, 68); "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Whew, I’m tired just reading about all that you have going on, but since best gal pals only get married once – hopefully – you shouldn’t miss the honor. Have a one-on-one chat with your friend about your concerns. Let her know that with so many “unknowns” you’re unable to handle the duties solo. Instead of bowing out I suggest that you allow her to select one other bridesmaid to be your co-maid of honor. The three of you should sit down and discuss all of the bride’s expectations for her experience, then you and the co-maid of honor can make long-term plans now, with contingencies on how things will proceed in your absence. Since you’re not sure what level of physical or mental participation you’ll be able to give after the summer it is important that you meticulously list details, such as what games she’ll want played at her bridal shower or where the bride’s embarrassing grade school pictures are, now so each event will have the personalized touch that only a bff can give.</span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: rgb(68, 68, 68); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">---Tia</span></span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->Do Better, Be Better by S. Tia Brownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05334804670693222012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7960671713032192320.post-55607869725664199632009-07-18T10:32:00.000-07:002009-09-27T10:52:37.910-07:00How can a suddenly single mother help her daughter deal with a divorce...<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: rgb(68, 68, 68); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Do Better, Be Better Blog... July 18, 2009</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: rgb(68, 68, 68); "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; ">Dear Tia, My daughter is rebelling now that my husband and I are separating. I’ve tried counseling, incentive charts and letting her spend time apart visiting with relatives. I wonder if she and I will ever have the great mother/daughter relationship I envisioned. It seems like I’m always screaming or yelling at her. She seems sad all the time too. What should I do? – Mother of all Problems</span></span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: rgb(68, 68, 68); "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Dear Mother,</span></span></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: rgb(68, 68, 68); "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">First I’d like to commend your for exhausting your resources in an effort to help your daughter through this tough time. In your letter you mention that you’re always yelling and screaming at her, so I’m wondering how you’re doing. Look at it like this, when we’re flying in an aircraft and an emergency arises we’re told to secure our own masks before assisting others. The same is applicable for your personal crisis. As a mother your focus has been on helping your child, but it is important make sure you take care of yourself too, and sometimes first, in order to be effective. With that in mind I urge you to seek support as well. In addition, you may want to consider changing your daughter’s counselor if he/she isn’t connecting with her or adding a support group for kids into the mix. Another great option is adding more one-on-one time doing simple things that your daughter enjoys, such as an afternoon trip to the park and walk. This will give you opportunities to connect with her in an environment that helps her relax. Lastly, it is important that you remember time heals all wounds. Adjusting to not having her father in the house is difficult and may always hurt, but with assistance your new family will learn to cope with the changes and thrive.</span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">---Tia</span></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->Do Better, Be Better by S. Tia Brownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05334804670693222012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7960671713032192320.post-58724906569034432532009-06-11T10:34:00.000-07:002009-09-27T10:52:50.366-07:00This week Tia speaks about managing your current finances...<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#444444;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';">Do Better, Be Better Blog... June 11, 2009</span></i></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: rgb(68, 68, 68); "><b><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';">I'm a 30 something professional that is new to the workforce. For the first time in my life I am able to save 10% of my income and still pay my bills. I do, however, have some debt. I have about $7000 in student loans and $3000 of credit card debt. I also own a home, but my mortgage payment is very manageable. I have heard that if you are in debt you should not save. Instead you should pay your debt and save later. I can handle all of my monthly payments, but I would like to know if I should stop saving and send in extra payments to decrease interest accrued over time and settle my debt. - Save up or settle up in DC</span></span></i></b></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: rgb(68, 68, 68); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';">Dear Save or Settle Up:</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: rgb(68, 68, 68); "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';">Ask yourself this: If I lose my job tomorrow – or next year – how will I manage until my next opportunity? If saving 10% of your income gives you enough cushion to live comfortably for a few months then your plan works – if not you need an emergency fund before you eradicate your debt. This account should have six to eight months of living expenses, so for example if you bring home $3,000 per month and spend it all you need at least $18,000 saved. This is especially important due to the uncertainty of today’s job market. In your case it makes little sense to have zero debt but inadequate savings because you’ll end up using credit for emergencies. For many creating an emergency fund seems about as realistic as levitating, but so was having a president named Barack Obama back in 2007. All things are possible. Create a feasible monthly savings plan, have a little faith, a lot of discipline and you’ll be there before you know. If you have the uncontrollable urge to put extra payments on your debt then double up on your credit card payments because that interest rate is likely higher than your student loans. If getting out of debt is really important to you then here’s a fair compromise: save three months of your emergency fund, then focus on your debt, then work on saving the rest of your fund. That way all bases are covered.</span></span></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#444444;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';">---Tia</span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none; text-autospace:none"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Tahoma, serif;color:#444444;"><br /></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->Do Better, Be Better by S. Tia Brownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05334804670693222012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7960671713032192320.post-26675996623869319752009-05-29T10:30:00.000-07:002009-09-27T10:32:04.157-07:00This week Tia speaks to how your attitude can determine a situation’s outcome.<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="color: rgb(68, 68, 68); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';">Do Better, Be Better Blog... May 29, 2009</span></span></span></i></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="color: rgb(68, 68, 68); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';">What can I do to bring a more positive, professional and honest atmosphere to my place of employment? – Positive in Largo</span></span></span></i></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: rgb(68, 68, 68); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';">Dear Positive in Largo,</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: rgb(68, 68, 68); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';">Since the professional climate in your office is set by management this is a great opportunity to show your leadership skills to the big boss. Do a bit of research and create a proposal on the types of workshops you think your department may benefit from. Another option is suggesting that you attend a few leadership seminars and come back to host training sessions with your co-workers. If the issue isn’t related to the company policy but due to a informal interactions, I suggest leading by example. A great way to diffuse gossip and negative conversations is by changing the topic or direction of chats when inappropriate issues are discussed. Focus on the positive - but always make sure to know the water cooler conversation, you’ll never know when it will come in handy.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: rgb(68, 68, 68); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';">---Tia</span></span></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->Do Better, Be Better by S. Tia Brownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05334804670693222012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7960671713032192320.post-49362810932015268662009-05-22T10:27:00.000-07:002009-09-27T10:30:16.726-07:00This week Tia gives tips on how to cope with splitting with a bad ex who you’re still in love with...<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';">Do Better, Be Better Blog... May 22, 2009</span></i></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';">Dear Tia,</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';">I broke up with my husband and I can’t get over it. And I don’t know why? We were together for more than five years. During that time he repeatedly cheated on me – I’d even catch him with women he’d met on MySpace! He’d leave and would twist it around to make it seem like it was my fault and I’d end up begging him to come back. We lost our 2-year-old son in April 2008 and while that was devastating I don’t think that’s the reason for our split. I’m stuck on nothing and I can’t move on. We recently had a daughter and he didn’t even show up to court to make sure he’d have his paternal rights. After all of that, seven months after the break-up I took him back. He seemed fine at first, taking our daughter and I out, then it all stopped. I texted him one day and he said “Lets just be friends our baby. Pls stop talking about ‘us’ there is no ‘us’”. It hurt so bad, why did he get my hopes all up and leave again for another woman. I’m depressed and lonely. I think any man will leave me or cheat on me. I can’t even try moving on. – Longing for Love</span></span></span></i></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';">Dear Longing for Love –</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';">You were in a relationship that lacked reciprocity in every aspect that actually defines true love: appreciation, fidelity and most of all, respect. Lets face the fact that your ex-husband isn’t the one for you. It’s sad. It’s hurtful. It’s time to get over it. How do you start? Love yourself. It may sound weird but start by using the same discipline you use to set standards for your daughter, apply it in your own life. If it’s not good enough for the princess, the queen definitely isn’t having it, right? Would you want her playing with kids who took her toys and bullied her her? Would you leave her with a sitter who let her sit in a soiled diaper all day? Would you want her to date a boy who spat in her face? The answer to all of these questions is no, but you’ve subjected yourself to a man who repeatedly does far worse to you. He disrespects you. He and abandons you…his children. He’s unfaithful. Your season with your ex has passed – embrace it and the lessons you’ve learned. Explore your thoughts on standards in a relationship, how much to give, what you did wrong or right and how to love yourself. Every time you have a thought about how much you miss him, think about all the times he made you beg him to come back – after he cheated on you - or how much of a hassle it was to get him to be accountable financially for his own daughter or how he only wants to be with you when nothing else is going on – or his computer is down. Better yet, how his put your life and health in danger by being unfaithful. I also suggest that you iron out visitation and support details in way that limits your contact with him. If he is inconsistent in any way take him to court so you don’t have to haggle him for money or time. This will limit your emotional involvement and his ability to manipulate your feelings for his personal gain. No love is worth humiliation and heartache. After a lot of tears and nose blowing it is time to celebrate. Be happy that he didn’t know what he had so he threw you away. One man’s trash is another’s treasure. But you have to be sure to treasure yourself first. Lastly, I must add that this issue is likely compounded by the loss of your son. I strongly urge you to seek grief counseling.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';">---Tia</span></span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->Do Better, Be Better by S. Tia Brownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05334804670693222012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7960671713032192320.post-58145591644819104942009-05-01T10:22:00.000-07:002009-09-27T10:26:38.061-07:00This week Tia answers a question about communicating with a lover over email and when is it too soon to give it up...<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';">Do Better, Be Better Blog... May 1, 2009</span></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';">Dear Tia, I met a guy a few weeks before I broke up with my boyfriend and we became fast friends. We talked but never went out until after I ended things with my now ex. He’s 10 years older than I am and an investment banker, so he’s very busy. Eventually we went on a date and ended the night together. Shortly afterwards he started saying he was too busy to spend a lot of time together. I was angry and I sent him a long email telling him why. That didn’t go over well. We’ve spoken since and I’ve apologized but it isn’t the same. He doesn’t really call me – but he’ll chat if I call him – and we aren’t going out. I like him and would like to date, but I can tell my email really upset him. What should I do? – Evil Emailer</span></span></i></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';">Dear Evil Emailer,</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';">You said you met him a few weeks before kicking your ex to the curb, so really think about whether you’re ready to date or need some time alone – which a lot of people loathe – to heal and improve before starting a new chapter in your life. I'm sure you've kicked yourself in the butt already, however, in case you haven't let me remind you that angry emails only work against you. First, they come across as immature rants. Second, because you're not there to explain what you're saying, everything is up to interpretation, which means things usually come off more harshly than intended and your impassioned soliloquy doesn't relay the underlying hurt. Communication is irreversible and so is becoming intimate too soon. You want to try to hold out until you know that he cares about you and you’ll be more than “Girl 67.” This rarely happens after a first date. </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';">Now, what should you do? I suggest putting the ball in his court. First apologize one last time for the immature email and let him know that you've realized the importance of conversing in person and that you’d like to move on. Let him know if he's interested in dating you too the ball is in his court. Here's the hard part...YOU CAN'T call him or email him first. If he's interested in you let him pursue you. Sure he'll talk and bang you if you call and he's bored but you want a man who wants to create a relationship, not one who'll let you occupy free time, but who'll make time. You also don't want someone who hasn't truly forgiven you. </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';">If he shows interest then reciprocate but let him be the lead. Avoid meeting or ending the night at your place for a while, so sex isn’t a factor.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';">Lastly, be wary of the age difference. While 10 years may not seem like a lot to you, it can speak volumes to where he is maturity wise. Banging and bouncing may be his style and your email could simply be his out. </span></span><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">---Tia</span></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->Do Better, Be Better by S. Tia Brownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05334804670693222012noreply@blogger.com0