I'm Jealous of My Boyfriend's Daughter

Dear Tia,
My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly five years however about two years we broke up and thought we'd never reconcile. He ended up dating another woman shortly thereafter and she became pregnant. She loved out of state and to entice her to move to Michigan, he proposed. Upon my hearing of all this I nearly went mad...not six months after our breakup and he has a child on the way and is engaged. This man had been the love of my life and to he I had lost my virginity and had loved against all odds. Yes I had ended the relationship but it was because he refused to seek psychological help and was dragging he into a black depression with him...I didnt know what to do.
We are back together and we have vowed that he will be a father to his child and that the past is the past. But I am struggling to keep that promise. I feel discomfort and even a hint of jealously. His upcoming trip to visit them out of state makes my stomach turn in knots. Will he regret his decision to be with me over his daughter and ex-fiance? — Ex-Factor


Dear Ex-Factor,

You’ve skipped a huge portion of this story: Why did you get back together? That will likely determine your future stress levels. For example, if you decided to reconcile because your ex finally got the counseling he needed to be a healthy mate then it is likely he has some of the tools needed to be a good partner. Moreover, it also means he chose you after evaluating his wants and needs from a sound place. However, if you decided to revisit your relationship to prevent him from moving on, or because he was running away from being in a long-term relationship with a woman he just met, you have a great reason to be concerned.

The truth is he will have a connection with this woman that you don't have; she is the mother of his child. Accept it. If your ex wasn’t a cheater then there really isn’t a reason to assume that he will now — he can practice self-control. Still, there are factors to consider that will make things more challenging, such as where he'll sleep when he’s visiting his child. Another concern is whether his ex-fiancé would like to reconcile with him. I have three suggestions. First, have a discussion with your mate before the trip to discuss your expectations (i.e. where he'll stay, checking in with you during his stay, the length of his visit, etc...). A word of caution: don't impose on the visit by calling incessantly — it will backfire and push him away. Secondly, do not get pregnant to compete with his ex. Having a child will only complicate matters emotionally and financially. Love yourself and unborn child enough to wait until you have a drama-less environment where you all can thrive second. But that’s not all.

Next, I encourage you to explore why you rekindled with your ex. Is it purely because you don’t want another woman to have him? Was it out of loneliness or your own depression? Have you addressed your issues and come up with changes that you both can make to improve your relationship? Think about it all.

It is natural to be jealous in such an intertwined situation. As a woman you have a choice. You can decide to stay with this man or leave. If you stay you must seek help to deal with the feelings you have around his child and new situation. Additionally, you should not sabotage his relationship with his child. He can have both: you as a girlfriend and be a great dad.

You can’t determine or control his regrets, only yours. I suggest you focus on the latter.

Dear Tia,

I’ve been dating this guy that I’ve known for almost 18 months. I’m 19 and he’s 21. We have a lot in common; our birthdays are even one day apart. But he has a lot of drama. After we hung out for a while he told me that he had a baby on the way. Despite that, he called and texted me all the time and that didn’t change even after we became intimate. He told me things - like he wanted us to take a trip together for our birthdays - that made me feel like he planned on being serious. He even called me once while his child’s mother was there and said that he wasn’t dealing with her anymore. I mean, who would say that in front of someone else? One night I told him how I felt about him via text and immediately things started to change. He said if he knew I was going to “catch feelings” he wouldn’t have started messing with me - I spent two hours on my sister’s bathroom floor crying my eyes out. We stopped seeing each other for a while, but that all changed once my sister intervened. She sent him an instant message saying how happy he made me and that he should stop playing. He said he didn’t know why we stopped speaking. I still love him. Should I approach him or wait? – A Teenage Love

Dear Teenage Love,

I say run, quickly. And don’t call him. People can say anything but their actions show you how they truly feel. That boy has game. He didn’t put his child’s mother on “blast” to benefit you, it was to hurt her and make sure she knows she can be replaced – and what he did “for you”, he did to you. His callous behavior when you expressed your feelings is comparable to what he did to his child’s mother. We can’t help who we care about, but we can control what we do. I suggest you write out a list of the 10 top values you want your next boyfriend to have (i.e. loyalty, respect, etc…) and put it over your bed so whenever you’re talking to potential beaus you can size them up according to what you need. Don’t let your emotions and ego get in the way of what’s best for your life plan. I’m sure you have goals to achieve, friends to kick it with and other dudes to date – if not, find all of the above immediately. I implore you to heed my advice… or you’ll likely be this guy’s second – or third – baby’s mama. Don’t do it.

This week Tia tackles the topic of new relationships and old friendships....

Do Better, Be Better Blog… August 8, 2009

Dear Tia,

Many years back I met a guy and we had an ongoing sexual relationship (we were never boyfriend/girlfriend) but now I consider that guy to be just a good friend. Our relationship has been strictly platonic for a couple of years and it has grown into a very valuable friendship. My current boyfriend has problems with that friendship and has been very vocal about it. Now, my question is...is it inappropriate/disrespectful to remain friends with this guy despite the fact that my boyfriend doesn't like it? Also, how would I sever ties with a good friend that I've had for such a long time without hurting his feelings, and is that even necessary? – Confused in Detroit

Dear Confused:

Most guys believe that platonic friends are using the inside track to get inside your pants. This is a lose/lose situation for you, since your boyfriend is unlikely to stomach having threesomes – I’m referring to dinners – to get to know your male bff. So the real question is this: Are you going to marry this boyfriend? Which means does HE plan on proposing, not just you planning on accepting. If yes, you have to give up your pal. If you hide it he’s going to think you’re cheating, which will lead to more drama. I suggest you really think about which relationship adds more value, where you see each relationship going and most importantly, whether there are any clues that your platonic friend is secretly shuffling through your panty drawer when you’re not looking. Your partner may see something that you’re overlooking. If you decide to ditch your male friend don’t sugar coat it. Let him know that you’re seriously pursuing a relationship and you need to put your focus into cultivating the friendship and trust between you and your partner.

---Tia