No Money, Lots of Drama

Dear Tia,

I've been with my boyfriend for three years. I really love him. We connect on emotional, intellectual and physical levels. There's only one problem: finances. Timothy has a college education and a strong entrepreneurial spirit. Unfortunately, it's taking him longer than expected to get his business off the ground. I believe in him and know that eventually whatever he does will be successful, but his devotion to developing this business — and his dream of pursuing entrepreneurial ventures in general — has forced us to place everything on hold, specifically getting married. Timothy invests all of his money into his business and since it's not profitable he's constantly losing money. In addition, the stress is definitely taking a toll on his demeanor; for example he's less attentive, a bit more irritable and not investing a lot of time in cultivating our relationship. He told me he's ready to get a full-time job to help him meet his financial needs until his business is off the ground. I want to marry this man and he wants to marry me, but I am concerned. Any tips? - Three Years and Counting

Dear Three Years and Counting,

I commend your patience and support of your boyfriend as he follows his dream. I think that you've already gotten to the crux of the issue. Women and men tend to function in different ways when it comes to multitasking life's goals; in short, men tend to be more linear. Since men typically pride themselves on being able to provide, his initial focus will be his career, in this case his business. I think you recognize that Timothy is stressed. It's hard for start-ups and the economy can bring additional challenges. I suggest that you really take some time to think about how devoted you are to this relationship. If you want to take it to the alter I suggest finding time to talk to your boyfriend about your goals as individuals and as a couple. If you're both on track for marriage you should discuss your emotional and financial expectations as a couple. When do you want to tie the knot? What are his expectations of you as his wife in relation to his business goals and needs? What do you expect of him as a husband in terms of managing his two loves: you and his career? Communication is key.

This week Tia tackles how to deal when your man earns less than you and more...

Do Better, Be Better Blog... March 20, 2009

As the main breadwinner for the household, how do you make your man feel like he’s king of the house? –Cheaper to Keep Him

Dear Cheaper to Keep Him:

Just being conscious of the situation makes you less likely to obnoxious about the salary gap. Many professional women can’t separate the successful and independent persona they use to get ahead in the workforce with the role of the doting and at times docile – yes I said it – approach you have to take when dealing with your partner. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting we hand over our checkbooks after toiling for years to establish ourselves professionally. BUT we need to look at men the way we size up clients or bosses: You take the approach you need to get the result you want. If professional women want to be treated like queens they have to treat their men like a kings. There’s no one sure-fire way to guarantee that your man feels like the “king of his castle” because every man is different. You have to figure out what works for him. Maybe it’s cooking him dinner a few nights a week or allowing him to pay for certain things. I suggest that you have a candid conversation about money and his thoughts about the issue. Be conscious about not throwing money up in his face, but do not feed into any insecurity or try to over compensate for your position of perceived power. At the end of the day what you earn doesn’t make you – or him – the man. Actions do. If he’s a good, honest and responsible man – the only kind we should select to marry – have the faith to allow him to lead.

---Tia

I really wanted to have my wedding at the end of this year, however five of my friends are with child and are expecting around that time frame. What should I do? – Five Preggers and One Bride

Dear Five Preggers and One Bride:

You’re giving a whole new meaning to the term big wedding party. While it is easy to say that your special day is all about you, honestly, who will you celebrate with if all of your best gal pals are knocked up or nursing newborns at home? Assess where your girlfriends are in their pregnancies and then come up with a time period that will allow your closest pals to participate. In addition, since they will all be adjusting to mommydom – and post baby bodies – you should arrange a serious meeting to discuss all of your expectations for your festivities and to select flattering bridesmaids gowns (no need for sloppy pictures either!). During your chat make sure to let everyone know that communication is important because you want to avoid any drama if someone is unable to fulfill her responsibility due to a hectic schedule.

---Tia