Should Soul Mates Marry Quickly?

Dear Tia,

I recently met a man who I believe is my soul mate. We clicked instantly. After only dating for a few weeks we've met each other's families and have become inseparable. We've already made plans for our happily ever after. Now don't get me wrong, I am not naive enough to think things will be perfect, but I do feel confident that we have what it takes to make it work. So what's the problem? Some people in my life are saying things are moving to fast. I don't plan to get married tomorrow, but I can't guarantee it won't happen next week. Am I crazy? - Ready for a Quicky

Dear Ready,

Congrats on finding the love of your life. Should you be excited? Yes. Should you follow your heart? Yep. Should you use your head? Definitely. Don't let naysayers lead you into making a decision you'll regret. If you love this man make plans to marry him — notice how I said "plan"? Be strategic about how you enter into the union. Undergo pre-marital counseling to ensure you see eye-to-eye on key issues, such as money matters, sex and family values. Additionally, you may want to consider swapping credit reports with your partner. This will allow you to get great insight into the lifestyle you'll lead as a unit. Love is grand. Marriage is beautiful. Enjoy it. But just like sex, you reduce your vulnerability to risk when you protect yourself.

Should I leave?

Dear Tia,

I love my girlfriend. I love her a lot. She is the first person I've been with in a long time who makes my genuinely happy. We get along most of the of the time and only have one major problem: her family. My lady is used to giving everything to her family. All of her time. All of her money. All of her love. The thing is they don't reciprocate the sentiments or actions. She can't depend on them to make her needs and feelings a priority, so she often ends up feeling hurt. It is so hard for me to stand by twiddling my thumbs as her relatives break her heart. In addition, I have to be honest, some times she places their wants ahead of our relationship needs and it really upsets. I don't know what to do. Should I intervene? Should I walk away? - On the Bench

Dear On the Bench,

I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to watch someone you love continuously get hurt, but that's all you can really do. It is not your job or in your best interest to redefine the relationships and expectations she's set with her relatives: that is up to her. The only thing you can do is express your feelings about what you observe — to her— and let her know what your expectations are for your relationship and needs. Fight the temptation to intercede on her behalf because you don't want to place her in a situation where she has to choose between you and her family. Allow your girlfriend the space to find her own voice and strength. In the end, everyone will be happier.

This week Tia tackles how to deal when your man earns less than you and more...

Do Better, Be Better Blog... March 20, 2009

As the main breadwinner for the household, how do you make your man feel like he’s king of the house? –Cheaper to Keep Him

Dear Cheaper to Keep Him:

Just being conscious of the situation makes you less likely to obnoxious about the salary gap. Many professional women can’t separate the successful and independent persona they use to get ahead in the workforce with the role of the doting and at times docile – yes I said it – approach you have to take when dealing with your partner. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting we hand over our checkbooks after toiling for years to establish ourselves professionally. BUT we need to look at men the way we size up clients or bosses: You take the approach you need to get the result you want. If professional women want to be treated like queens they have to treat their men like a kings. There’s no one sure-fire way to guarantee that your man feels like the “king of his castle” because every man is different. You have to figure out what works for him. Maybe it’s cooking him dinner a few nights a week or allowing him to pay for certain things. I suggest that you have a candid conversation about money and his thoughts about the issue. Be conscious about not throwing money up in his face, but do not feed into any insecurity or try to over compensate for your position of perceived power. At the end of the day what you earn doesn’t make you – or him – the man. Actions do. If he’s a good, honest and responsible man – the only kind we should select to marry – have the faith to allow him to lead.

---Tia

I really wanted to have my wedding at the end of this year, however five of my friends are with child and are expecting around that time frame. What should I do? – Five Preggers and One Bride

Dear Five Preggers and One Bride:

You’re giving a whole new meaning to the term big wedding party. While it is easy to say that your special day is all about you, honestly, who will you celebrate with if all of your best gal pals are knocked up or nursing newborns at home? Assess where your girlfriends are in their pregnancies and then come up with a time period that will allow your closest pals to participate. In addition, since they will all be adjusting to mommydom – and post baby bodies – you should arrange a serious meeting to discuss all of your expectations for your festivities and to select flattering bridesmaids gowns (no need for sloppy pictures either!). During your chat make sure to let everyone know that communication is important because you want to avoid any drama if someone is unable to fulfill her responsibility due to a hectic schedule.

---Tia