You must do the thing you think you cannot do...

Do Better, Be Better Blog... April 16, 2009

Dear Tia: I was in a relationship with a man for a year and a half. He broke up with me because he wanted to have sex with other women. Months later he was trying to build a friendship with me, and against my better judgment I let him in because he was also my best friend.
 I helped him out for a month because his car was stolen. I let him borrow my car weekends, taking it too him and sometimes picking him up. One night I called him and asked that he returned my car, but I was too exhausted to drive him home. When gets to my home at 11:30pm he accuses me of being drunk - but he never gave me a chance to express myself. I was also mad because he said we should not have sex anymore. After thinking I decided to cut the friendship off completely because I felt disrespected and unappreciated. 
My question is: Am I wrong for cutting my ties with him? What should I have done? – Hurt & Confused

Dear Hurt & Confused: You know you weren’t wrong, you just miss old faithful – even it means drama, angst and disappointment. Based on the contents of this letter I’m pretty sure all of your instincts – and friends - have been telling you to lose this dude with never-ending benefits some time ago. But your heart won’t let him go. The problem is simple: You love him much more than he loves you. People often get caught up in justifying a trifling ex’s behavior by reminding themselves that the person you love cares for you too. Sadly, caring isn’t enough; there has to be reciprocity. While I’m sure both of you contributed to the demise of the relationship in some way, the facts are simple: You’re meeting his needs but he’s not meeting yours. He was getting a free ride – in the bed and in your car – but giving you none of the things you want in return. No commitment, no consideration and no respect. So my question to you is what did you really lose?

---Tia

Dear Tia: I’m finally at a place where I feel I have a great sense of my own style. I love shopping and want to stay abreast of the latest trends. How often should you redo your wardrobe? – So Fly

Dear So Fly: Congrats on finding your mojo. Instead of focusing on completely redoing your wardrobe focus on constantly updating it. You should always be on the lookout for items – whether they’re big or small – that complement your figure and style. Of course, you should stick within your allotted budget. I also suggest taking inventory at the end of each season to see what still works, which means it is in good shape and you wear it, and what you can get rid of.

---Tia

This week Tia takes on the issue of R-E-S-P-E-C-T from family and co-workers...

Do Better, Be Better Blog... April 9, 2009

I am 28-years-old and work in an office full of 45-56 year-old women. My issue is how to talk to them when they say things I do not like without being disrespectful. - Young Angry Black Woman

Dear Young Angry Black Woman,

I’m a firm believer of showing deference to elders, however the office isn’t the place to act out societal roles – you’re there to do your job. I firmly believe that the only way to get respect is to demand it. Some people have that certain thing about them that ensures people, whether they’re older or younger, never test them. Other people have to go get it. So how do you command respect? First, you always make sure that you’re on top of your game, for the work environment that means being efficient, punctual and dependable. Second, you have to speak up for yourself and address every infraction in a stern, tactful, professional way. That may mean giving a soliloquy about respect (such as, “we’re all on equal footing here, I give respect and I expect it,”) or taking people aside an individual when they say something that you deem is inappropriate. Only you can determine which approach will work best. Overall you want to make sure that you leave personal roles at home, these ladies are not your aunties, and they’re your co-workers –who likely take issue with working with someone 20 years their junior – so treat them as such.

---Tia

My fiancé and I are planning a big, lavish, wedding and we have restricted our families to only inviting a certain number of people, so as not to exceed my parent's budget. My fiancé’s family is insisting on inviting many more people than they are allotted and it has caused the price of the reception to soar. Do you think that I should demand that his family pay for some of the reception, or at least the head count of the additional people that they are inviting, or does that break some etiquette rules? – Breaking the Bank for the Big Day

Dear Breaking the Bank for the Big Day,

Etiquette was out of the door once your future in-laws stepped on your toes and didn’t respect your parents’ budget. Since they - like many others - love to plan with other people’s money I would like to tell you to just make them pay for their extra guests, but that could potentially cause long-term strife with your hubby-to-be. Consequently, you need to speak with him first and make sure you’re on the same page about the finances and the numbers. If both families were given an equal amount of guests then it is up to him to make sure that he stands firm by your side when you speak with his family. During the conversation make sure to reiterate that the day is you and your fiancé’s, but you understand why it is to the family, but your parents – who are paying – have given you a budget and it is disrespectful to expect them to pay any excess. Let them know the precise number of people that they are allowed to invite and that any extra guests must be pre-paid for by specific date if they are to be seated. You can also opt to include your parents in on the meeting. I doubt that your future in-laws will speak recklessly or be callous about spending your parents’ money in their faces. With that said…standing firm is only possible if you are financially independent of your in laws. You don’t want to play hardball with someone who’s helping to pay your rent/mortgage or watching your kids for free. So make sure that you’re in a position where you can’t be penalized for standing up for yourself – and your parents – or you may end up paying a bigger price later.

---Tia