Should a Married Woman be Jealous of her Boyfriend's Fiance?

Dear Tia,

I am married and I have an affair going on with my old school flame. Things worked out well between us. But now he is getting married and he keeps telling me that he's doing it for his parents and the girl isn't the kind he wants. I'm jealous and can’t handle my feelings. Should I still remain in touch with him post marriage or move on? – Still in Love

Dear Still in Love,

I’m confused about how things have worked out well between you and your sidepiece – you’re married and he’s engaged. That aside, it’s time for you to leave the man alone. You seem very concerned about whether or not he wants to get married, but that’s not really an issue. He’s a grown man and can make his own choices and the same goes for you. By deciding to enter into a relationship with someone you can’t fully commit to you’ve relinquished your right to be jealous. You have a husband – but you don’t have to be there. If you don't want to be with your spouse you can leave. Your old flame’s soon-to-be wife should be respected. If you really want to be with this man split up with your husband and make a play for the one who has your heart. If not, you can’t have your husband and hers, so leave him - and his family - alone.

This week Tia tackles the hard question of whether women should open up their pocketbooks on dates.

Dear Tia,

I’m in my early 30’s and I’m single, but dating. My problem is simple: I have a hard time letting men pay when they take me out. It’s not that I’m dating guys who aren’t professionals or can’t afford to cover the bill. I just feel like I’m at a disadvantage when the gentlemen foots the expense; I don’t want anyone who I’m out with thinking that I owe him something. My girlfriends say I’m tripping. Am I? – Willing to Pay My Way

Dear Pay My Way,

I think you’re both right. In a traditional sense, it’s definitely appropriate to let a man court you. If he asks to take you on a date it is normal to expect him to pay for whatever type of entertainment you undertake that night. However, I also understand your perspective as well. In modern times traditional gender roles aren’t always applicable (especially given the economy), so if you’re uncomfortable about who should pay ask your date – beforehand. During the pre-date conversations get his perspective on what his expectations are and share yours. In addition, I don’t think you should consider going out with anyone who you think would expect “physical compensation” after bankrolling a movie or dinner. Lastly, it’s important to consider a few things before you pull out your cash, especially on the first few dates. Do you always want to go Dutch or pay his way? Do you want to convey the message that you don’t think he can afford to finance your dates? Are you comfortable with the financial dynamic you’re establishing if the relationship moves forward? If the answer to each of these questions is no, keep your hands out of your wallet until you get to know your potential beau a bit better.

Dear Tia,

I’ve been dating this guy that I’ve known for almost 18 months. I’m 19 and he’s 21. We have a lot in common; our birthdays are even one day apart. But he has a lot of drama. After we hung out for a while he told me that he had a baby on the way. Despite that, he called and texted me all the time and that didn’t change even after we became intimate. He told me things - like he wanted us to take a trip together for our birthdays - that made me feel like he planned on being serious. He even called me once while his child’s mother was there and said that he wasn’t dealing with her anymore. I mean, who would say that in front of someone else? One night I told him how I felt about him via text and immediately things started to change. He said if he knew I was going to “catch feelings” he wouldn’t have started messing with me - I spent two hours on my sister’s bathroom floor crying my eyes out. We stopped seeing each other for a while, but that all changed once my sister intervened. She sent him an instant message saying how happy he made me and that he should stop playing. He said he didn’t know why we stopped speaking. I still love him. Should I approach him or wait? – A Teenage Love

Dear Teenage Love,

I say run, quickly. And don’t call him. People can say anything but their actions show you how they truly feel. That boy has game. He didn’t put his child’s mother on “blast” to benefit you, it was to hurt her and make sure she knows she can be replaced – and what he did “for you”, he did to you. His callous behavior when you expressed your feelings is comparable to what he did to his child’s mother. We can’t help who we care about, but we can control what we do. I suggest you write out a list of the 10 top values you want your next boyfriend to have (i.e. loyalty, respect, etc…) and put it over your bed so whenever you’re talking to potential beaus you can size them up according to what you need. Don’t let your emotions and ego get in the way of what’s best for your life plan. I’m sure you have goals to achieve, friends to kick it with and other dudes to date – if not, find all of the above immediately. I implore you to heed my advice… or you’ll likely be this guy’s second – or third – baby’s mama. Don’t do it.

Dear Tia,

I’m 28-years-old. I have been in relationships before but it seems like they never materialize into anything deeper or serious. People just leave my life without any wrong doing from my side. It is either I am too serious, too needy or they found someone else. How do I break this? I want to start my own family soon, but how do I do that when I cannot maintain a relationship. – Ready to Settle Down

Dear Ready,

I completely understand your desire to have a meaningful relationship. It’s natural. It’s healthy. However, I implore you not to let what you want stand in the way of what you need. It seems like you answered your own question in your letter. By asking whether you’re too serious or too needy, you’re acknowledging that even you are spotting these red flags in your behavior. Simply telling you to stop it isn’t enough, so I suggest you look into why you’re feeling the push to make a committed relationship happen. In the big picture, you have a lot of time to find your Mr. Right – even if it doesn’t seem like it. Have faith that there is someone out there just for you. So the big question is what do you do in the “in between time”. Well, it’s a great time to work on you. What’s leading you to pick the men who perpetuate your insecurity? Why are you choosing to pursue serious relationships with men who aren’t interested in being monogamous? What things do you need to work on to attract the kind of man truly want? Do you like and love yourself? Working on these things won’t guarantee that you’ll find a mate as soon as you’d like, but they will ensure that you’re ready for a good man when you meet him.

Is there anything wrong with a woman never wanting to marry? – 50 and Figuring it Out

Dear Fig,

There is something very powerful in choosing your own fate. There should be no judgment attached to your decision to be single or unwed; similarly we shouldn’t be quick to criticize women who openly proclaim they are in search of a life mate and a ring. However, you’re not off the hook. You do have to ask yourself one question, why? If the reason you’ve elected to stay legally single is simply because you don’t desire or believe in the institution of marriage then you should feel confident in your choice. But what if your motivation is something deeper I suggest you seek counseling. For example, if you don’t want to get married because you fear “turning your life over to man” or don’t think there are any “good men” left I implore you to do the hard work of evaluating the root of your issues and finding the help you need. Life is short. Only you can find your true path to bliss. Don’t be afraid to take the walk.

I Slept With My Cousin's Girl - Now What?

I slept with my cousin’s girlfriend. Should I tell him? – A Family Affair

Dear Family Affair,

Trifling. Sneaky. Selfish. Those are the three words that sum up your behavior. Pursuing a sexual relationship with someone who’s involved is wrong, but when the betrayal impacts a family member disaster is even more likely to ensue. While the adage, “honesty is the best policy”, is morally appropriate, understand that this story may not end with a happily ever after. Your cousin has the right to know that his significant other has deceived him. This is not about you, your feelings or your desire to maintain your relationship with your cousin. You forfeited that right with your indiscretion. In the big picture, his ignorance may put him at risk for disease, and, more importantly, robs him of the right to choose. He should know the character of his mate before he commits to a long-term relationship or even raising children with someone who may be habitually unfaithful. Your cousin may be upset, hurt and outraged, but he has the right to know. I suggest you do better and be a better relative in the future. You both deserve more.

This week Tia tackles the topic of new relationships and old friendships....

Do Better, Be Better Blog… August 8, 2009

Dear Tia,

Many years back I met a guy and we had an ongoing sexual relationship (we were never boyfriend/girlfriend) but now I consider that guy to be just a good friend. Our relationship has been strictly platonic for a couple of years and it has grown into a very valuable friendship. My current boyfriend has problems with that friendship and has been very vocal about it. Now, my question is...is it inappropriate/disrespectful to remain friends with this guy despite the fact that my boyfriend doesn't like it? Also, how would I sever ties with a good friend that I've had for such a long time without hurting his feelings, and is that even necessary? – Confused in Detroit

Dear Confused:

Most guys believe that platonic friends are using the inside track to get inside your pants. This is a lose/lose situation for you, since your boyfriend is unlikely to stomach having threesomes – I’m referring to dinners – to get to know your male bff. So the real question is this: Are you going to marry this boyfriend? Which means does HE plan on proposing, not just you planning on accepting. If yes, you have to give up your pal. If you hide it he’s going to think you’re cheating, which will lead to more drama. I suggest you really think about which relationship adds more value, where you see each relationship going and most importantly, whether there are any clues that your platonic friend is secretly shuffling through your panty drawer when you’re not looking. Your partner may see something that you’re overlooking. If you decide to ditch your male friend don’t sugar coat it. Let him know that you’re seriously pursuing a relationship and you need to put your focus into cultivating the friendship and trust between you and your partner.

---Tia

S. Tia Brown... The TV Personality and Journalist

This week Tia answers a question about supporting your friends...

Do Better, Be Better Blog… July 25, 2009

Dear Tia,

I recently discovered that I’m pregnant with twins. Shortly after, my best friend got engaged and asked me to be her maid of honor, which I ecstatically accepted. Now she is planning on getting married in November and I am due in September. I’ve had an extremely rough pregnancy and I’m fearful that I will not be able to fulfill my duties because either I'll be pregnant and too sick/tired to plan events or because I will have newborn twins and they'll take priority over every other thing going on in my life. So my question is, is it okay for me to let the rest of the bridesmaids pick up my slack (because being a part of her wedding is very important to me) or should I tell her that I don't think I will be able to handle all of the responsibilities and relinquish the title? Undecided, Sheboygan, WI

Dear Undecided:

Whew, I’m tired just reading about all that you have going on, but since best gal pals only get married once – hopefully – you shouldn’t miss the honor. Have a one-on-one chat with your friend about your concerns. Let her know that with so many “unknowns” you’re unable to handle the duties solo. Instead of bowing out I suggest that you allow her to select one other bridesmaid to be your co-maid of honor. The three of you should sit down and discuss all of the bride’s expectations for her experience, then you and the co-maid of honor can make long-term plans now, with contingencies on how things will proceed in your absence. Since you’re not sure what level of physical or mental participation you’ll be able to give after the summer it is important that you meticulously list details, such as what games she’ll want played at her bridal shower or where the bride’s embarrassing grade school pictures are, now so each event will have the personalized touch that only a bff can give.

---Tia

How can a suddenly single mother help her daughter deal with a divorce...

Do Better, Be Better Blog... July 18, 2009

Dear Tia, My daughter is rebelling now that my husband and I are separating. I’ve tried counseling, incentive charts and letting her spend time apart visiting with relatives. I wonder if she and I will ever have the great mother/daughter relationship I envisioned. It seems like I’m always screaming or yelling at her. She seems sad all the time too. What should I do? – Mother of all Problems

Dear Mother,

First I’d like to commend your for exhausting your resources in an effort to help your daughter through this tough time. In your letter you mention that you’re always yelling and screaming at her, so I’m wondering how you’re doing. Look at it like this, when we’re flying in an aircraft and an emergency arises we’re told to secure our own masks before assisting others. The same is applicable for your personal crisis. As a mother your focus has been on helping your child, but it is important make sure you take care of yourself too, and sometimes first, in order to be effective. With that in mind I urge you to seek support as well. In addition, you may want to consider changing your daughter’s counselor if he/she isn’t connecting with her or adding a support group for kids into the mix. Another great option is adding more one-on-one time doing simple things that your daughter enjoys, such as an afternoon trip to the park and walk. This will give you opportunities to connect with her in an environment that helps her relax. Lastly, it is important that you remember time heals all wounds. Adjusting to not having her father in the house is difficult and may always hurt, but with assistance your new family will learn to cope with the changes and thrive.

---Tia

This week Tia speaks about managing your current finances...

Do Better, Be Better Blog... June 11, 2009

I'm a 30 something professional that is new to the workforce. For the first time in my life I am able to save 10% of my income and still pay my bills. I do, however, have some debt. I have about $7000 in student loans and $3000 of credit card debt. I also own a home, but my mortgage payment is very manageable. I have heard that if you are in debt you should not save. Instead you should pay your debt and save later. I can handle all of my monthly payments, but I would like to know if I should stop saving and send in extra payments to decrease interest accrued over time and settle my debt. - Save up or settle up in DC

Dear Save or Settle Up:

Ask yourself this: If I lose my job tomorrow – or next year – how will I manage until my next opportunity? If saving 10% of your income gives you enough cushion to live comfortably for a few months then your plan works – if not you need an emergency fund before you eradicate your debt. This account should have six to eight months of living expenses, so for example if you bring home $3,000 per month and spend it all you need at least $18,000 saved. This is especially important due to the uncertainty of today’s job market. In your case it makes little sense to have zero debt but inadequate savings because you’ll end up using credit for emergencies. For many creating an emergency fund seems about as realistic as levitating, but so was having a president named Barack Obama back in 2007. All things are possible. Create a feasible monthly savings plan, have a little faith, a lot of discipline and you’ll be there before you know. If you have the uncontrollable urge to put extra payments on your debt then double up on your credit card payments because that interest rate is likely higher than your student loans. If getting out of debt is really important to you then here’s a fair compromise: save three months of your emergency fund, then focus on your debt, then work on saving the rest of your fund. That way all bases are covered.

---Tia

This week Tia speaks to how your attitude can determine a situation’s outcome.

Do Better, Be Better Blog... May 29, 2009

What can I do to bring a more positive, professional and honest atmosphere to my place of employment? – Positive in Largo

Dear Positive in Largo,

Since the professional climate in your office is set by management this is a great opportunity to show your leadership skills to the big boss. Do a bit of research and create a proposal on the types of workshops you think your department may benefit from. Another option is suggesting that you attend a few leadership seminars and come back to host training sessions with your co-workers. If the issue isn’t related to the company policy but due to a informal interactions, I suggest leading by example. A great way to diffuse gossip and negative conversations is by changing the topic or direction of chats when inappropriate issues are discussed. Focus on the positive - but always make sure to know the water cooler conversation, you’ll never know when it will come in handy.

---Tia

This week Tia gives tips on how to cope with splitting with a bad ex who you’re still in love with...

Do Better, Be Better Blog... May 22, 2009

Dear Tia,

I broke up with my husband and I can’t get over it. And I don’t know why? We were together for more than five years. During that time he repeatedly cheated on me – I’d even catch him with women he’d met on MySpace! He’d leave and would twist it around to make it seem like it was my fault and I’d end up begging him to come back. We lost our 2-year-old son in April 2008 and while that was devastating I don’t think that’s the reason for our split. I’m stuck on nothing and I can’t move on. We recently had a daughter and he didn’t even show up to court to make sure he’d have his paternal rights. After all of that, seven months after the break-up I took him back. He seemed fine at first, taking our daughter and I out, then it all stopped. I texted him one day and he said “Lets just be friends our baby. Pls stop talking about ‘us’ there is no ‘us’”. It hurt so bad, why did he get my hopes all up and leave again for another woman. I’m depressed and lonely. I think any man will leave me or cheat on me. I can’t even try moving on. – Longing for Love

Dear Longing for Love –

You were in a relationship that lacked reciprocity in every aspect that actually defines true love: appreciation, fidelity and most of all, respect. Lets face the fact that your ex-husband isn’t the one for you. It’s sad. It’s hurtful. It’s time to get over it. How do you start? Love yourself. It may sound weird but start by using the same discipline you use to set standards for your daughter, apply it in your own life. If it’s not good enough for the princess, the queen definitely isn’t having it, right? Would you want her playing with kids who took her toys and bullied her her? Would you leave her with a sitter who let her sit in a soiled diaper all day? Would you want her to date a boy who spat in her face? The answer to all of these questions is no, but you’ve subjected yourself to a man who repeatedly does far worse to you. He disrespects you. He and abandons you…his children. He’s unfaithful. Your season with your ex has passed – embrace it and the lessons you’ve learned. Explore your thoughts on standards in a relationship, how much to give, what you did wrong or right and how to love yourself. Every time you have a thought about how much you miss him, think about all the times he made you beg him to come back – after he cheated on you - or how much of a hassle it was to get him to be accountable financially for his own daughter or how he only wants to be with you when nothing else is going on – or his computer is down. Better yet, how his put your life and health in danger by being unfaithful. I also suggest that you iron out visitation and support details in way that limits your contact with him. If he is inconsistent in any way take him to court so you don’t have to haggle him for money or time. This will limit your emotional involvement and his ability to manipulate your feelings for his personal gain. No love is worth humiliation and heartache. After a lot of tears and nose blowing it is time to celebrate. Be happy that he didn’t know what he had so he threw you away. One man’s trash is another’s treasure. But you have to be sure to treasure yourself first. Lastly, I must add that this issue is likely compounded by the loss of your son. I strongly urge you to seek grief counseling.

---Tia

This week Tia answers a question about communicating with a lover over email and when is it too soon to give it up...

Do Better, Be Better Blog... May 1, 2009

Dear Tia, I met a guy a few weeks before I broke up with my boyfriend and we became fast friends. We talked but never went out until after I ended things with my now ex. He’s 10 years older than I am and an investment banker, so he’s very busy. Eventually we went on a date and ended the night together. Shortly afterwards he started saying he was too busy to spend a lot of time together. I was angry and I sent him a long email telling him why. That didn’t go over well. We’ve spoken since and I’ve apologized but it isn’t the same. He doesn’t really call me – but he’ll chat if I call him – and we aren’t going out. I like him and would like to date, but I can tell my email really upset him. What should I do? – Evil Emailer

Dear Evil Emailer,

You said you met him a few weeks before kicking your ex to the curb, so really think about whether you’re ready to date or need some time alone – which a lot of people loathe – to heal and improve before starting a new chapter in your life. I'm sure you've kicked yourself in the butt already, however, in case you haven't let me remind you that angry emails only work against you. First, they come across as immature rants. Second, because you're not there to explain what you're saying, everything is up to interpretation, which means things usually come off more harshly than intended and your impassioned soliloquy doesn't relay the underlying hurt. Communication is irreversible and so is becoming intimate too soon. You want to try to hold out until you know that he cares about you and you’ll be more than “Girl 67.” This rarely happens after a first date.

Now, what should you do? I suggest putting the ball in his court. First apologize one last time for the immature email and let him know that you've realized the importance of conversing in person and that you’d like to move on. Let him know if he's interested in dating you too the ball is in his court. Here's the hard part...YOU CAN'T call him or email him first. If he's interested in you let him pursue you. Sure he'll talk and bang you if you call and he's bored but you want a man who wants to create a relationship, not one who'll let you occupy free time, but who'll make time. You also don't want someone who hasn't truly forgiven you.

If he shows interest then reciprocate but let him be the lead. Avoid meeting or ending the night at your place for a while, so sex isn’t a factor.

Lastly, be wary of the age difference. While 10 years may not seem like a lot to you, it can speak volumes to where he is maturity wise. Banging and bouncing may be his style and your email could simply be his out.

---Tia

You must do the thing you think you cannot do...

Do Better, Be Better Blog... April 16, 2009

Dear Tia: I was in a relationship with a man for a year and a half. He broke up with me because he wanted to have sex with other women. Months later he was trying to build a friendship with me, and against my better judgment I let him in because he was also my best friend.
 I helped him out for a month because his car was stolen. I let him borrow my car weekends, taking it too him and sometimes picking him up. One night I called him and asked that he returned my car, but I was too exhausted to drive him home. When gets to my home at 11:30pm he accuses me of being drunk - but he never gave me a chance to express myself. I was also mad because he said we should not have sex anymore. After thinking I decided to cut the friendship off completely because I felt disrespected and unappreciated. 
My question is: Am I wrong for cutting my ties with him? What should I have done? – Hurt & Confused

Dear Hurt & Confused: You know you weren’t wrong, you just miss old faithful – even it means drama, angst and disappointment. Based on the contents of this letter I’m pretty sure all of your instincts – and friends - have been telling you to lose this dude with never-ending benefits some time ago. But your heart won’t let him go. The problem is simple: You love him much more than he loves you. People often get caught up in justifying a trifling ex’s behavior by reminding themselves that the person you love cares for you too. Sadly, caring isn’t enough; there has to be reciprocity. While I’m sure both of you contributed to the demise of the relationship in some way, the facts are simple: You’re meeting his needs but he’s not meeting yours. He was getting a free ride – in the bed and in your car – but giving you none of the things you want in return. No commitment, no consideration and no respect. So my question to you is what did you really lose?

---Tia

Dear Tia: I’m finally at a place where I feel I have a great sense of my own style. I love shopping and want to stay abreast of the latest trends. How often should you redo your wardrobe? – So Fly

Dear So Fly: Congrats on finding your mojo. Instead of focusing on completely redoing your wardrobe focus on constantly updating it. You should always be on the lookout for items – whether they’re big or small – that complement your figure and style. Of course, you should stick within your allotted budget. I also suggest taking inventory at the end of each season to see what still works, which means it is in good shape and you wear it, and what you can get rid of.

---Tia

This week Tia takes on the issue of R-E-S-P-E-C-T from family and co-workers...

Do Better, Be Better Blog... April 9, 2009

I am 28-years-old and work in an office full of 45-56 year-old women. My issue is how to talk to them when they say things I do not like without being disrespectful. - Young Angry Black Woman

Dear Young Angry Black Woman,

I’m a firm believer of showing deference to elders, however the office isn’t the place to act out societal roles – you’re there to do your job. I firmly believe that the only way to get respect is to demand it. Some people have that certain thing about them that ensures people, whether they’re older or younger, never test them. Other people have to go get it. So how do you command respect? First, you always make sure that you’re on top of your game, for the work environment that means being efficient, punctual and dependable. Second, you have to speak up for yourself and address every infraction in a stern, tactful, professional way. That may mean giving a soliloquy about respect (such as, “we’re all on equal footing here, I give respect and I expect it,”) or taking people aside an individual when they say something that you deem is inappropriate. Only you can determine which approach will work best. Overall you want to make sure that you leave personal roles at home, these ladies are not your aunties, and they’re your co-workers –who likely take issue with working with someone 20 years their junior – so treat them as such.

---Tia

My fiancé and I are planning a big, lavish, wedding and we have restricted our families to only inviting a certain number of people, so as not to exceed my parent's budget. My fiancé’s family is insisting on inviting many more people than they are allotted and it has caused the price of the reception to soar. Do you think that I should demand that his family pay for some of the reception, or at least the head count of the additional people that they are inviting, or does that break some etiquette rules? – Breaking the Bank for the Big Day

Dear Breaking the Bank for the Big Day,

Etiquette was out of the door once your future in-laws stepped on your toes and didn’t respect your parents’ budget. Since they - like many others - love to plan with other people’s money I would like to tell you to just make them pay for their extra guests, but that could potentially cause long-term strife with your hubby-to-be. Consequently, you need to speak with him first and make sure you’re on the same page about the finances and the numbers. If both families were given an equal amount of guests then it is up to him to make sure that he stands firm by your side when you speak with his family. During the conversation make sure to reiterate that the day is you and your fiancé’s, but you understand why it is to the family, but your parents – who are paying – have given you a budget and it is disrespectful to expect them to pay any excess. Let them know the precise number of people that they are allowed to invite and that any extra guests must be pre-paid for by specific date if they are to be seated. You can also opt to include your parents in on the meeting. I doubt that your future in-laws will speak recklessly or be callous about spending your parents’ money in their faces. With that said…standing firm is only possible if you are financially independent of your in laws. You don’t want to play hardball with someone who’s helping to pay your rent/mortgage or watching your kids for free. So make sure that you’re in a position where you can’t be penalized for standing up for yourself – and your parents – or you may end up paying a bigger price later.

---Tia

Doing Better means starting NOW!

Do Better, Be Better Blog... March 27, 2009

I’m a happily married attorney with a loving husband and two adorable toddler-aged sons. My girlfriend complains about the state of my house – she thinks it’s too messy - but I am really content. I don’t see what she sees. What should I do? – Sloppy But Satisfied

Dear Sloppy But Satisfied:

Friends always have opinions but at the end of the day it is your life to live. Your biggest concerns shouldn’t be your friend’s perspective but whether you can function and whether your husband and young children are content and able to thrive in your home’s current state. If the answers to all of theses questions are yes, then tell your friend thanks, but no thanks, for his/her commentary. But if the answer is no, you should really take a look at how you can keep a more organized and aesthetically pleasing home. Since your schedule is definitely a hectic one you can start by making a cleaning schedule for larger duties, such as cleaning the bathroom or doing the laundry. Another great way to keep things tidy is to set aside 15 minutes at the end of the night after the kids are put to bed to make sure everything is put away. Ultimately, only you can determine what system works best for you.

---Tia

Several of my family members live with me rent-free and contribute very little to the household finances. However, they are always making comments about the way I parent and run my house. I am very stressed and often feel upset when I’m home. What should I do? – Crowded and Confused

Dear Crowded and Confused:

Seems like you have two issues on your hand. First, the fact that you brought up that your long-term houseguests contribute minimally to your bottom line seems like a sore spot for you. You should look at your budget and determine what type of financial help you deem to be fair and adequate then set up a time to discuss the new contribution amount. Secondly, your houseguests’ financial contributions and catty commentary are not interwoven. Even if they pay all of your bills you shouldn’t be subjected to verbal abuse. Do a bit of introspection to determine whether there critiques have any underlying merit, for example you may yell a lot because you’re frustrated. Make a commitment to yourself to evaluate how you’d like to improve as a parent and take real strides – such as counseling – to be the best person you can be. Lastly, talk to your guests about their negative energy and let them know that you find their curt comments to be hurtful and if they have any serious grievances to let you know in a constructive manner, i.e.…having a private conversation or giving you a brief note about things that they find alarming. At the end of the day you are responsible for your happiness. You have the right to decide who lives in your home and how they must conduct themselves. Set the rules.

---Tia

This week Tia tackles how to deal when your man earns less than you and more...

Do Better, Be Better Blog... March 20, 2009

As the main breadwinner for the household, how do you make your man feel like he’s king of the house? –Cheaper to Keep Him

Dear Cheaper to Keep Him:

Just being conscious of the situation makes you less likely to obnoxious about the salary gap. Many professional women can’t separate the successful and independent persona they use to get ahead in the workforce with the role of the doting and at times docile – yes I said it – approach you have to take when dealing with your partner. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting we hand over our checkbooks after toiling for years to establish ourselves professionally. BUT we need to look at men the way we size up clients or bosses: You take the approach you need to get the result you want. If professional women want to be treated like queens they have to treat their men like a kings. There’s no one sure-fire way to guarantee that your man feels like the “king of his castle” because every man is different. You have to figure out what works for him. Maybe it’s cooking him dinner a few nights a week or allowing him to pay for certain things. I suggest that you have a candid conversation about money and his thoughts about the issue. Be conscious about not throwing money up in his face, but do not feed into any insecurity or try to over compensate for your position of perceived power. At the end of the day what you earn doesn’t make you – or him – the man. Actions do. If he’s a good, honest and responsible man – the only kind we should select to marry – have the faith to allow him to lead.

---Tia

I really wanted to have my wedding at the end of this year, however five of my friends are with child and are expecting around that time frame. What should I do? – Five Preggers and One Bride

Dear Five Preggers and One Bride:

You’re giving a whole new meaning to the term big wedding party. While it is easy to say that your special day is all about you, honestly, who will you celebrate with if all of your best gal pals are knocked up or nursing newborns at home? Assess where your girlfriends are in their pregnancies and then come up with a time period that will allow your closest pals to participate. In addition, since they will all be adjusting to mommydom – and post baby bodies – you should arrange a serious meeting to discuss all of your expectations for your festivities and to select flattering bridesmaids gowns (no need for sloppy pictures either!). During your chat make sure to let everyone know that communication is important because you want to avoid any drama if someone is unable to fulfill her responsibility due to a hectic schedule.

---Tia