Monday, January 31, 2011

Unwanted Travel Companions

Dear Tia,

I have a big problem.

My girlfriend and I love to go on group trips with our pals. Unfortunately, two of our close friends, Jerry* and Tammy*, recently broke up — and both of them decided to attend our last trip. It was horrible. Even though Tammy ended the relationship she's very bitter about the split. She's miserable and loves company. She pouted. She started fights with Jerry. She was generally petty and unpleasant. She even tried to ruin a few of our planned activities. Now Jerry, who did not want her to attend, is our childhood friend, and though our crew has been friendly with Tammy during their three-year relationship, we never really liked her. She's toxic. Needless to say we're happy to see her go. So here's the problem: Tammy has invited herself on our next trip. No one wants her to go. I believe her plan to sabotage Jerry's ability to participate. My friends, specifically the women, are having a hard time telling Tammy she isn't welcome. I refuse to let her pettiness spoil another trip. What should I do? — Dealing with The Break-Up


Dear Dealing,

One word: awkward. It's hard to pick teams after a break-up. Seems like Tammy may be more than vindictive; she may also be remorseful about splitting with her man and losing access to "their" friends. I suggest you meet with the other trip participants and have a candid chat about who wants Tammy to remain in the circle and who doesn't. I suspect that some people may be fonder of her than you think — how else would she have found out about the trip? Once a consensus is taken you'll have the opportunity to decide whether her presence is a deal breaker for you. Additionally, you can suggest that those who want to include her plan their own events since it will obviously be awkward for Jerry to socialize with his ex. At the end of the day Tammy cannot force you, or anyone, to hang out with her. If she doesn't get the hint state the obvious: She is not welcome.

* — name changed

Sunday, January 23, 2011

My Fiance Makes Big Plans — With My Money!

Dear Tia,

I absolutely love my fiance. Steve's a great man; we have a fabulous connection and support each other whole heartedly. I'm an attorney and earn a comfortable living. My fiance has a master's degree in business. When we met we both had relatively secure corporate jobs, and that contributed to why I thought we'd make a good team on all levels (spiritually, emotionally and financially). Unfortunately, we are not on the same page when it comes to budgeting. As our relationship progressed Steve told me that he's an entrepreneur at hearts and wanted a mate who supported that goal. I shared that I was happy to be cast in the role of "doting significant other", as long as he remained focused on contributing to the household — it didn't matter who was the top earner. I also disclosed that saving and living within our means was important to me. Since we effectively communicated I thought all was well; I was wrong.

I'll be frank: Steve's business is in the slow lane, but our relationship is not. We plan to get married within a year or so (I'm still waiting for the ring), and we're currently looking for our first home together. Steve wants to price a home based on what he "believes" our income will be once his business takes off. Since I'm the primary breadwinner my salary will pay the lion's share of the mortgage. I want to select a home based on one income, so we can save, travel and avoid foreclosure. Steve says my practical approach means I don't have faith that his business will eventually succeed. I do. However, I think it's better to play it safe and upgrade later. I want Steve to lead, but I can't let any man send me to the poor house. What should I do? — Not Going for Broke


Dear Not Going for Broke,

Love is grand — but rule no. 1 is no romance without finance. I definitely think you should support Steve if you plan to build a future together. Still, I wonder why you guys are looking to buy a house before you're married, have a ring or even have a wedding date set. There is something to be said for doing things in order. If you want Steve to lead, start by waiting for him to propose with a ring. Then you can both sit down to set a date, plan the wedding, and then go for the house. While Steve may have the best intentions, it's easy for someone to get so caught up in their dreams that they can't accept reality — especially if they have a benefactor. I wonder whether Steve's hesitancy to buy a ring is because he's already married... to his business. While women often multitask (kids, business, marriage, etc...). men tend to get their careers settled first then move to family.

It's not wise to buy a house you can't afford — and due to the financial climate you probably won't be able to. That said, Steve needs to feel supported and you need to feel secure. Once you're officially engaged try premarital counseling. It's a good forum to share your expectations and learn how to communicate your needs effectively.