Unwanted Travel Companions

Dear Tia,

I have a big problem.

My girlfriend and I love to go on group trips with our pals. Unfortunately, two of our close friends, Jerry* and Tammy*, recently broke up — and both of them decided to attend our last trip. It was horrible. Even though Tammy ended the relationship she's very bitter about the split. She's miserable and loves company. She pouted. She started fights with Jerry. She was generally petty and unpleasant. She even tried to ruin a few of our planned activities. Now Jerry, who did not want her to attend, is our childhood friend, and though our crew has been friendly with Tammy during their three-year relationship, we never really liked her. She's toxic. Needless to say we're happy to see her go. So here's the problem: Tammy has invited herself on our next trip. No one wants her to go. I believe her plan to sabotage Jerry's ability to participate. My friends, specifically the women, are having a hard time telling Tammy she isn't welcome. I refuse to let her pettiness spoil another trip. What should I do? — Dealing with The Break-Up


Dear Dealing,

One word: awkward. It's hard to pick teams after a break-up. Seems like Tammy may be more than vindictive; she may also be remorseful about splitting with her man and losing access to "their" friends. I suggest you meet with the other trip participants and have a candid chat about who wants Tammy to remain in the circle and who doesn't. I suspect that some people may be fonder of her than you think — how else would she have found out about the trip? Once a consensus is taken you'll have the opportunity to decide whether her presence is a deal breaker for you. Additionally, you can suggest that those who want to include her plan their own events since it will obviously be awkward for Jerry to socialize with his ex. At the end of the day Tammy cannot force you, or anyone, to hang out with her. If she doesn't get the hint state the obvious: She is not welcome.

* — name changed

My Fiance Makes Big Plans — With My Money!

Dear Tia,

I absolutely love my fiance. Steve's a great man; we have a fabulous connection and support each other whole heartedly. I'm an attorney and earn a comfortable living. My fiance has a master's degree in business. When we met we both had relatively secure corporate jobs, and that contributed to why I thought we'd make a good team on all levels (spiritually, emotionally and financially). Unfortunately, we are not on the same page when it comes to budgeting. As our relationship progressed Steve told me that he's an entrepreneur at hearts and wanted a mate who supported that goal. I shared that I was happy to be cast in the role of "doting significant other", as long as he remained focused on contributing to the household — it didn't matter who was the top earner. I also disclosed that saving and living within our means was important to me. Since we effectively communicated I thought all was well; I was wrong.

I'll be frank: Steve's business is in the slow lane, but our relationship is not. We plan to get married within a year or so (I'm still waiting for the ring), and we're currently looking for our first home together. Steve wants to price a home based on what he "believes" our income will be once his business takes off. Since I'm the primary breadwinner my salary will pay the lion's share of the mortgage. I want to select a home based on one income, so we can save, travel and avoid foreclosure. Steve says my practical approach means I don't have faith that his business will eventually succeed. I do. However, I think it's better to play it safe and upgrade later. I want Steve to lead, but I can't let any man send me to the poor house. What should I do? — Not Going for Broke


Dear Not Going for Broke,

Love is grand — but rule no. 1 is no romance without finance. I definitely think you should support Steve if you plan to build a future together. Still, I wonder why you guys are looking to buy a house before you're married, have a ring or even have a wedding date set. There is something to be said for doing things in order. If you want Steve to lead, start by waiting for him to propose with a ring. Then you can both sit down to set a date, plan the wedding, and then go for the house. While Steve may have the best intentions, it's easy for someone to get so caught up in their dreams that they can't accept reality — especially if they have a benefactor. I wonder whether Steve's hesitancy to buy a ring is because he's already married... to his business. While women often multitask (kids, business, marriage, etc...). men tend to get their careers settled first then move to family.

It's not wise to buy a house you can't afford — and due to the financial climate you probably won't be able to. That said, Steve needs to feel supported and you need to feel secure. Once you're officially engaged try premarital counseling. It's a good forum to share your expectations and learn how to communicate your needs effectively.

Dealing with Busy Friends

Dear Tia,

I have a very, very close friend who started a company and did not tell me. Does that mean I am not as close to her as I once thought? - Too Far For Comfort

Dear Too Far For Comfort,

If you're wondering why your friend didn't share this bit of information I suggest that you go straight to the source. Don't be confrontational when you approach your pal. Instead, offer your congratulations and let her know how proud you are of her accomplishment. Then, as the conversation progresses, share your thoughts about not being informed about the venture and ask whether there was any specific issue that made her decide to exclude you from the project. Be prepared for what the person has to say. It may simply be that she wanted privacy while formulating and executing her plan. However, it may be more complicated. I suggest you be open to whatever your friend has to say and remember that the new business endeavor isn't about you — it is all about your friend's success. Additionally, your pal may not rely on you when it comes to business, but you may be a great confidante when it comes to relationships. Trust that you add value to your buddy's life. Be supportive. Be patient. Be a good pal.

I'm Jealous of My Boyfriend's Daughter

Dear Tia,
My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly five years however about two years we broke up and thought we'd never reconcile. He ended up dating another woman shortly thereafter and she became pregnant. She loved out of state and to entice her to move to Michigan, he proposed. Upon my hearing of all this I nearly went mad...not six months after our breakup and he has a child on the way and is engaged. This man had been the love of my life and to he I had lost my virginity and had loved against all odds. Yes I had ended the relationship but it was because he refused to seek psychological help and was dragging he into a black depression with him...I didnt know what to do.
We are back together and we have vowed that he will be a father to his child and that the past is the past. But I am struggling to keep that promise. I feel discomfort and even a hint of jealously. His upcoming trip to visit them out of state makes my stomach turn in knots. Will he regret his decision to be with me over his daughter and ex-fiance? — Ex-Factor


Dear Ex-Factor,

You’ve skipped a huge portion of this story: Why did you get back together? That will likely determine your future stress levels. For example, if you decided to reconcile because your ex finally got the counseling he needed to be a healthy mate then it is likely he has some of the tools needed to be a good partner. Moreover, it also means he chose you after evaluating his wants and needs from a sound place. However, if you decided to revisit your relationship to prevent him from moving on, or because he was running away from being in a long-term relationship with a woman he just met, you have a great reason to be concerned.

The truth is he will have a connection with this woman that you don't have; she is the mother of his child. Accept it. If your ex wasn’t a cheater then there really isn’t a reason to assume that he will now — he can practice self-control. Still, there are factors to consider that will make things more challenging, such as where he'll sleep when he’s visiting his child. Another concern is whether his ex-fiancé would like to reconcile with him. I have three suggestions. First, have a discussion with your mate before the trip to discuss your expectations (i.e. where he'll stay, checking in with you during his stay, the length of his visit, etc...). A word of caution: don't impose on the visit by calling incessantly — it will backfire and push him away. Secondly, do not get pregnant to compete with his ex. Having a child will only complicate matters emotionally and financially. Love yourself and unborn child enough to wait until you have a drama-less environment where you all can thrive second. But that’s not all.

Next, I encourage you to explore why you rekindled with your ex. Is it purely because you don’t want another woman to have him? Was it out of loneliness or your own depression? Have you addressed your issues and come up with changes that you both can make to improve your relationship? Think about it all.

It is natural to be jealous in such an intertwined situation. As a woman you have a choice. You can decide to stay with this man or leave. If you stay you must seek help to deal with the feelings you have around his child and new situation. Additionally, you should not sabotage his relationship with his child. He can have both: you as a girlfriend and be a great dad.

You can’t determine or control his regrets, only yours. I suggest you focus on the latter.

Should I leave?

Dear Tia,

I love my girlfriend. I love her a lot. She is the first person I've been with in a long time who makes my genuinely happy. We get along most of the of the time and only have one major problem: her family. My lady is used to giving everything to her family. All of her time. All of her money. All of her love. The thing is they don't reciprocate the sentiments or actions. She can't depend on them to make her needs and feelings a priority, so she often ends up feeling hurt. It is so hard for me to stand by twiddling my thumbs as her relatives break her heart. In addition, I have to be honest, some times she places their wants ahead of our relationship needs and it really upsets. I don't know what to do. Should I intervene? Should I walk away? - On the Bench

Dear On the Bench,

I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to watch someone you love continuously get hurt, but that's all you can really do. It is not your job or in your best interest to redefine the relationships and expectations she's set with her relatives: that is up to her. The only thing you can do is express your feelings about what you observe — to her— and let her know what your expectations are for your relationship and needs. Fight the temptation to intercede on her behalf because you don't want to place her in a situation where she has to choose between you and her family. Allow your girlfriend the space to find her own voice and strength. In the end, everyone will be happier.

When He Makes Less

This week Tia tackles how to deal when your man earns less than you and more.

As the main breadwinner for the household, how do you make your man feel like he’s king of the house? –Cheaper to Keep Him

Dear Cheaper to Keep Him:

Just being conscious of the situation makes you less likely to obnoxious about the salary gap. Many professional women can’t separate the successful and independent persona they use to get ahead in the workforce with the role of the doting and at times docile – yes I said it – approach you have to take when dealing with your partner. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting we hand over our checkbooks after toiling for years to establish ourselves professionally. BUT we need to look at men the way we size up clients or bosses: You take the approach you need to get the result you want. If professional women want to be treated like queens they have to treat their men like a kings. There’s no one sure-fire way to guarantee that your man feels like the “king of his castle” because every man is different. You have to figure out what works for him. Maybe it’s cooking him dinner a few nights a week or allowing him to pay for certain things. I suggest that you have a candid conversation about money and his thoughts about the issue. Be conscious about not throwing money up in his face, but do not feed into any insecurity or try to over compensate for your position of perceived power. At the end of the day what you earn doesn’t make you – or him – the man. Actions do. If he’s a good, honest and responsible man – the only kind we should select to marry – have the faith to allow him to lead.

No Money, Lots of Drama

Dear Tia,

I've been with my boyfriend for three years. I really love him. We connect on emotional, intellectual and physical levels. There's only one problem: finances. Timothy has a college education and a strong entrepreneurial spirit. Unfortunately, it's taking him longer than expected to get his business off the ground. I believe in him and know that eventually whatever he does will be successful, but his devotion to developing this business — and his dream of pursuing entrepreneurial ventures in general — has forced us to place everything on hold, specifically getting married. Timothy invests all of his money into his business and since it's not profitable he's constantly losing money. In addition, the stress is definitely taking a toll on his demeanor; for example he's less attentive, a bit more irritable and not investing a lot of time in cultivating our relationship. He told me he's ready to get a full-time job to help him meet his financial needs until his business is off the ground. I want to marry this man and he wants to marry me, but I am concerned. Any tips? - Three Years and Counting

Dear Three Years and Counting,

I commend your patience and support of your boyfriend as he follows his dream. I think that you've already gotten to the crux of the issue. Women and men tend to function in different ways when it comes to multitasking life's goals; in short, men tend to be more linear. Since men typically pride themselves on being able to provide, his initial focus will be his career, in this case his business. I think you recognize that Timothy is stressed. It's hard for start-ups and the economy can bring additional challenges. I suggest that you really take some time to think about how devoted you are to this relationship. If you want to take it to the alter I suggest finding time to talk to your boyfriend about your goals as individuals and as a couple. If you're both on track for marriage you should discuss your emotional and financial expectations as a couple. When do you want to tie the knot? What are his expectations of you as his wife in relation to his business goals and needs? What do you expect of him as a husband in terms of managing his two loves: you and his career? Communication is key.