Sunday, December 5, 2010

I'm Jealous of My Boyfriend's Daughter

Dear Tia,
My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly five years however about two years we broke up and thought we'd never reconcile. He ended up dating another woman shortly thereafter and she became pregnant. She loved out of state and to entice her to move to Michigan, he proposed. Upon my hearing of all this I nearly went mad...not six months after our breakup and he has a child on the way and is engaged. This man had been the love of my life and to he I had lost my virginity and had loved against all odds. Yes I had ended the relationship but it was because he refused to seek psychological help and was dragging he into a black depression with him...I didnt know what to do.
We are back together and we have vowed that he will be a father to his child and that the past is the past. But I am struggling to keep that promise. I feel discomfort and even a hint of jealously. His upcoming trip to visit them out of state makes my stomach turn in knots. Will he regret his decision to be with me over his daughter and ex-fiance? — Ex-Factor


Dear Ex-Factor,

You’ve skipped a huge portion of this story: Why did you get back together? That will likely determine your future stress levels. For example, if you decided to reconcile because your ex finally got the counseling he needed to be a healthy mate then it is likely he has some of the tools needed to be a good partner. Moreover, it also means he chose you after evaluating his wants and needs from a sound place. However, if you decided to revisit your relationship to prevent him from moving on, or because he was running away from being in a long-term relationship with a woman he just met, you have a great reason to be concerned.

The truth is he will have a connection with this woman that you don't have; she is the mother of his child. Accept it. If your ex wasn’t a cheater then there really isn’t a reason to assume that he will now — he can practice self-control. Still, there are factors to consider that will make things more challenging, such as where he'll sleep when he’s visiting his child. Another concern is whether his ex-fiancĂ© would like to reconcile with him. I have three suggestions. First, have a discussion with your mate before the trip to discuss your expectations (i.e. where he'll stay, checking in with you during his stay, the length of his visit, etc...). A word of caution: don't impose on the visit by calling incessantly — it will backfire and push him away. Secondly, do not get pregnant to compete with his ex. Having a child will only complicate matters emotionally and financially. Love yourself and unborn child enough to wait until you have a drama-less environment where you all can thrive second. But that’s not all.

Next, I encourage you to explore why you rekindled with your ex. Is it purely because you don’t want another woman to have him? Was it out of loneliness or your own depression? Have you addressed your issues and come up with changes that you both can make to improve your relationship? Think about it all.

It is natural to be jealous in such an intertwined situation. As a woman you have a choice. You can decide to stay with this man or leave. If you stay you must seek help to deal with the feelings you have around his child and new situation. Additionally, you should not sabotage his relationship with his child. He can have both: you as a girlfriend and be a great dad.

You can’t determine or control his regrets, only yours. I suggest you focus on the latter.

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