Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Should Soul Mates Marry Quickly?

Dear Tia,

I recently met a man who I believe is my soul mate. We clicked instantly. After only dating for a few weeks we've met each other's families and have become inseparable. We've already made plans for our happily ever after. Now don't get me wrong, I am not naive enough to think things will be perfect, but I do feel confident that we have what it takes to make it work. So what's the problem? Some people in my life are saying things are moving to fast. I don't plan to get married tomorrow, but I can't guarantee it won't happen next week. Am I crazy? - Ready for a Quicky

Dear Ready,

Congrats on finding the love of your life. Should you be excited? Yes. Should you follow your heart? Yep. Should you use your head? Definitely. Don't let naysayers lead you into making a decision you'll regret. If you love this man make plans to marry him — notice how I said "plan"? Be strategic about how you enter into the union. Undergo pre-marital counseling to ensure you see eye-to-eye on key issues, such as money matters, sex and family values. Additionally, you may want to consider swapping credit reports with your partner. This will allow you to get great insight into the lifestyle you'll lead as a unit. Love is grand. Marriage is beautiful. Enjoy it. But just like sex, you reduce your vulnerability to risk when you protect yourself.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Should I Propose if I Hate My Girlfriend's Family?

Dear Tia,

My girlfriend and I reside in the same building — we met while we were both living there. My friends swore this arrangement would be a recipe for disaster but it actually works pretty well. We get to see each other frequently. We also get to see the other's habits. I know I want to marry this woman. There's only one reason I haven't proposed: Her family. The are very "hood". Her siblings are in their late twenties and still act like kids. Additionally, her parents make bad financial decisions and lean on my lady way too much. They are constantly at her place and have even had to reside with her on more than one occasion. She feels committed to helping her family regardless of their poor choices. I don't know if I can sign up for that. What I do? — Ice Cold Feet

Dear Ice Cold,

Your fiance-to-be definitely has a close bond with her family. I suggest that you view her loyalty and devotion as a strength. Still, I commend your ability to see how her enmeshed familial ties may become problematic as you look ahead. First, you need to talk to your girlfriend. You don't have to blatantly tell her your intentions — though I'm sure she'll be able to figure out what you're fishing for. Make sure to ask her about what she perceives her role to be has a wife and how she sees that impacting her current family dynamic. Let her know what boundaries you consider to be important as a couple and see whether you are on the same accord. Love has two components, feeling and function. You need both to make the relationship work.