Should I leave?

Dear Tia,

I love my girlfriend. I love her a lot. She is the first person I've been with in a long time who makes my genuinely happy. We get along most of the of the time and only have one major problem: her family. My lady is used to giving everything to her family. All of her time. All of her money. All of her love. The thing is they don't reciprocate the sentiments or actions. She can't depend on them to make her needs and feelings a priority, so she often ends up feeling hurt. It is so hard for me to stand by twiddling my thumbs as her relatives break her heart. In addition, I have to be honest, some times she places their wants ahead of our relationship needs and it really upsets. I don't know what to do. Should I intervene? Should I walk away? - On the Bench

Dear On the Bench,

I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to watch someone you love continuously get hurt, but that's all you can really do. It is not your job or in your best interest to redefine the relationships and expectations she's set with her relatives: that is up to her. The only thing you can do is express your feelings about what you observe — to her— and let her know what your expectations are for your relationship and needs. Fight the temptation to intercede on her behalf because you don't want to place her in a situation where she has to choose between you and her family. Allow your girlfriend the space to find her own voice and strength. In the end, everyone will be happier.

When He Makes Less

This week Tia tackles how to deal when your man earns less than you and more.

As the main breadwinner for the household, how do you make your man feel like he’s king of the house? –Cheaper to Keep Him

Dear Cheaper to Keep Him:

Just being conscious of the situation makes you less likely to obnoxious about the salary gap. Many professional women can’t separate the successful and independent persona they use to get ahead in the workforce with the role of the doting and at times docile – yes I said it – approach you have to take when dealing with your partner. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting we hand over our checkbooks after toiling for years to establish ourselves professionally. BUT we need to look at men the way we size up clients or bosses: You take the approach you need to get the result you want. If professional women want to be treated like queens they have to treat their men like a kings. There’s no one sure-fire way to guarantee that your man feels like the “king of his castle” because every man is different. You have to figure out what works for him. Maybe it’s cooking him dinner a few nights a week or allowing him to pay for certain things. I suggest that you have a candid conversation about money and his thoughts about the issue. Be conscious about not throwing money up in his face, but do not feed into any insecurity or try to over compensate for your position of perceived power. At the end of the day what you earn doesn’t make you – or him – the man. Actions do. If he’s a good, honest and responsible man – the only kind we should select to marry – have the faith to allow him to lead.

No Money, Lots of Drama

Dear Tia,

I've been with my boyfriend for three years. I really love him. We connect on emotional, intellectual and physical levels. There's only one problem: finances. Timothy has a college education and a strong entrepreneurial spirit. Unfortunately, it's taking him longer than expected to get his business off the ground. I believe in him and know that eventually whatever he does will be successful, but his devotion to developing this business — and his dream of pursuing entrepreneurial ventures in general — has forced us to place everything on hold, specifically getting married. Timothy invests all of his money into his business and since it's not profitable he's constantly losing money. In addition, the stress is definitely taking a toll on his demeanor; for example he's less attentive, a bit more irritable and not investing a lot of time in cultivating our relationship. He told me he's ready to get a full-time job to help him meet his financial needs until his business is off the ground. I want to marry this man and he wants to marry me, but I am concerned. Any tips? - Three Years and Counting

Dear Three Years and Counting,

I commend your patience and support of your boyfriend as he follows his dream. I think that you've already gotten to the crux of the issue. Women and men tend to function in different ways when it comes to multitasking life's goals; in short, men tend to be more linear. Since men typically pride themselves on being able to provide, his initial focus will be his career, in this case his business. I think you recognize that Timothy is stressed. It's hard for start-ups and the economy can bring additional challenges. I suggest that you really take some time to think about how devoted you are to this relationship. If you want to take it to the alter I suggest finding time to talk to your boyfriend about your goals as individuals and as a couple. If you're both on track for marriage you should discuss your emotional and financial expectations as a couple. When do you want to tie the knot? What are his expectations of you as his wife in relation to his business goals and needs? What do you expect of him as a husband in terms of managing his two loves: you and his career? Communication is key.

How to deal with a not-so-nice guy

This week Tia gives advice to a teen dealing with boyfriend drama.

Dear Tia,

My boyfriend is acting mean to all of my friends. – 15 and dating

Dear 15 and Dating,

Talk it out. Communication is the hardest part of all relationships - especially when you're dating someone. Many people have a hard time telling the individuals they care about most how they feel because they fear losing them. My advice is simply to let him know that he's important to you, but so are your friendships. If he values you he has to respect the people around you. If he chooses otherwise then that's a warning sign of things to come. If he's disrespectful to people who he deems as "unworthy" what happens when he gets mad at you? Will he be rude? Will he stop speaking to you?

Sadly, friends and boyfriends, or girlfriends, don't always get along. That said, no one has the right to be condescending or disrespectful to anyone. Stand up for your friends and yourself. If they can't all get along keep them apart, but don't let his ill-temperament keep you from maintaining the other important relationships in your life. Do think about what his attitude says about him as a person.

Should a Married Woman be Jealous of her Boyfriend's Fiance?

Dear Tia,

I am married and I have an affair going on with my old school flame. Things worked out well between us. But now he is getting married and he keeps telling me that he's doing it for his parents and the girl isn't the kind he wants. I'm jealous and can’t handle my feelings. Should I still remain in touch with him post marriage or move on? – Still in Love

Dear Still in Love,

I’m confused about how things have worked out well between you and your sidepiece – you’re married and he’s engaged. That aside, it’s time for you to leave the man alone. You seem very concerned about whether or not he wants to get married, but that’s not really an issue. He’s a grown man and can make his own choices and the same goes for you. By deciding to enter into a relationship with someone you can’t fully commit to you’ve relinquished your right to be jealous. You have a husband – but you don’t have to be there. If you don't want to be with your spouse you can leave. Your old flame’s soon-to-be wife should be respected. If you really want to be with this man split up with your husband and make a play for the one who has your heart. If not, you can’t have your husband and hers, so leave him - and his family - alone.

This week Tia tackles the hard question of whether women should open up their pocketbooks on dates.

Dear Tia,

I’m in my early 30’s and I’m single, but dating. My problem is simple: I have a hard time letting men pay when they take me out. It’s not that I’m dating guys who aren’t professionals or can’t afford to cover the bill. I just feel like I’m at a disadvantage when the gentlemen foots the expense; I don’t want anyone who I’m out with thinking that I owe him something. My girlfriends say I’m tripping. Am I? – Willing to Pay My Way

Dear Pay My Way,

I think you’re both right. In a traditional sense, it’s definitely appropriate to let a man court you. If he asks to take you on a date it is normal to expect him to pay for whatever type of entertainment you undertake that night. However, I also understand your perspective as well. In modern times traditional gender roles aren’t always applicable (especially given the economy), so if you’re uncomfortable about who should pay ask your date – beforehand. During the pre-date conversations get his perspective on what his expectations are and share yours. In addition, I don’t think you should consider going out with anyone who you think would expect “physical compensation” after bankrolling a movie or dinner. Lastly, it’s important to consider a few things before you pull out your cash, especially on the first few dates. Do you always want to go Dutch or pay his way? Do you want to convey the message that you don’t think he can afford to finance your dates? Are you comfortable with the financial dynamic you’re establishing if the relationship moves forward? If the answer to each of these questions is no, keep your hands out of your wallet until you get to know your potential beau a bit better.

Dear Tia,

I’ve been dating this guy that I’ve known for almost 18 months. I’m 19 and he’s 21. We have a lot in common; our birthdays are even one day apart. But he has a lot of drama. After we hung out for a while he told me that he had a baby on the way. Despite that, he called and texted me all the time and that didn’t change even after we became intimate. He told me things - like he wanted us to take a trip together for our birthdays - that made me feel like he planned on being serious. He even called me once while his child’s mother was there and said that he wasn’t dealing with her anymore. I mean, who would say that in front of someone else? One night I told him how I felt about him via text and immediately things started to change. He said if he knew I was going to “catch feelings” he wouldn’t have started messing with me - I spent two hours on my sister’s bathroom floor crying my eyes out. We stopped seeing each other for a while, but that all changed once my sister intervened. She sent him an instant message saying how happy he made me and that he should stop playing. He said he didn’t know why we stopped speaking. I still love him. Should I approach him or wait? – A Teenage Love

Dear Teenage Love,

I say run, quickly. And don’t call him. People can say anything but their actions show you how they truly feel. That boy has game. He didn’t put his child’s mother on “blast” to benefit you, it was to hurt her and make sure she knows she can be replaced – and what he did “for you”, he did to you. His callous behavior when you expressed your feelings is comparable to what he did to his child’s mother. We can’t help who we care about, but we can control what we do. I suggest you write out a list of the 10 top values you want your next boyfriend to have (i.e. loyalty, respect, etc…) and put it over your bed so whenever you’re talking to potential beaus you can size them up according to what you need. Don’t let your emotions and ego get in the way of what’s best for your life plan. I’m sure you have goals to achieve, friends to kick it with and other dudes to date – if not, find all of the above immediately. I implore you to heed my advice… or you’ll likely be this guy’s second – or third – baby’s mama. Don’t do it.